A.H.: "Part of being a man is making sure a woman gets what she wants even if you hate it. Because it's much better to hear from me than it is to hear from you."
Thursday, July 31, 2008
It's my birthday and I'll scream if I want to. You would scream, too..... If you happened to be so filled with hyperactivity that it is seeping from your pores and there are too many hours of sleeping going on, and why would anyone sit down when there is running to be done?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
T takes J's magazine away from her table at lunch as he went upstairs to see if his food was here. J was in the middle of reading it. T comes back down, sans magazine. I tell him J had been reading it, and he says "Oh really?" as he sits back at his desk. No flinching, no concern, no recognition of what the right thing to do would be. LET ALONE any reasonable thought as to why a magazine would help receive a delivery.
My theory: He thought a magazine would be a good tip.
Mike's theory: "This guy can't be for real, he's gotta be like a robotic human simulation placed here by aliens to study us by living amongst us."
On second thought, I agree.
People sometimes think I am exaggerating when I share my stories of mass destruction, especially my brother. So I thought I would share what my two ****** ******* ******* dogs can accomplish in one day of work:
I decided to replace whatever shreds of mess were left behind of a dog bed with a higher quality, more expensive, longer lasting (?) one. Here they are literally fighting over who could get more of their own body on top of this small strip of faux Sheepskin rather than spread out on the expanse of bright and soft Ultrasuade. :
I wanted to throw this one in here, because Mojo looks just like an ancient Chinese philosopher here. Or a moron.
And here is where you can see smug victory at her finest:
This is Julia:
She made her shirt. I knew immediately her shirt meant "I Love Palisades Park." Certain men did not have the same reaction to this harmless tee shirt. (In the West Village, those men would have a point.)
Me: I knew it was Palisades Park right away.
Alexander: 'Cuz you're a Jersey Girl!
Julia: You wish you were a Jersey Girl!!!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Look at that face? How can you say no to that face? I usually go with: "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" I realized this morning that Mojo turns two on Thursday. So does that mean that the terrible two's are coming my way????? For a year!? What was the past year? I'll be silver before he gets there.
And then I realized that Thursday morning, I am dropping both dogs off at Camp Bow Wow. It's more than a kennel. It's a day camp with boarding as an option. So they can run all day, and share an area at night. And more importantly, so I can unwind in the Hamptons for the first time in a year.... But, there is definitely a nagging feeling of guilt over leaving him for the very first time on his birthday. God, I feel badly for my future children!
Monday, July 28, 2008
My mother was checking my blog for new updated pictures of her "grand-dogs," because, you know, reading leads to the realization that she is tired and maybe, there is someone she should be on the phone with. But she did say, "What? Am I not funny enough to be on your Quote of the Day?" Immediately, and quite unintentionally following that was:
Mom: "Three and five is eight, and eight and five are twenty three, plus two makes it twenty five."
Me: "Oh really? Eight and five? You made it."
Did you ever just wake up one morning and crave change? You just knew in every inch of your body that a switch was necessary, mandated?
It's a new feeling for me, or actually, more like a new experience, since I am sure I've felt it before but just squashed it immediately. I think my whole "Spring Cleaning" over the past two seasons may have led me to finally face the fact that I may actually be the type of person to like change, after all. I have expended so much energy fighting the inevitable, that I'm actually embarrassed to think about it. As of today, I have given up soda, most foods, being lazy with housework, spending money on luxuries, and using my elevator (unless I'm carrying heavy bags.) My next step is to give up a little bit of my precious sleep to start getting to the gym in the mornings. Maybe giving up everything else will make me want to be sleeping a whole lot less.
**Side Rant: Why is it that everyone connects sleeping a lot to being depressed? I think the Sleepsalot Gene is deep in my DNA and will never be dismissed. Just ask my father, if you have a blow horn to wake him up with.
To be continued....
Friday, July 25, 2008
As dangerous as commercials could be if they infiltrated our nostrils as we sat on our couches, I think scented advertising is completely awesome for the more rare instances we find ourselves inside of a movie theater!
I really like the Nivea Sun idea, to be able to smell the beach and experience something so much more than sitting in a local theater seat. I personally would abhor a local sushi-scented advertisement, and I wonder how long scents linger, but I want to try it stat! Germany, anyone?
This is a light fixture, one of many, at Hamsa Restaurant in Tenafly. We went for my friend's birthday, and the decor more than made up for the pretty much incognito wait staff. I've decided I'd like my bedroom to have white painted old tin ceilings and colorful antique lamps scattered and hanging. And I could wake up to belly-dancing music and sweet Moroccan tea, and wear colorful kaftans all day, and speak in a haphazard mix of French, Arabic, and Hebrew.
Or, I can just move to a place where my bedroom walls aren't flaking off. That could be nice, too.
This is supposed to be Mojo's guilty face. Guilty for knocking over my laundry basket, with his brute strength of fifteen pounds. Guilty for the dragging individual pieces of laundry into the living room while I showered. But for some reason, he isn't looking so guilty to me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I finally saw the Dark Knight, even though I am sure die-hard Batman fans would spit in my direction for getting so excited over seeing this movie, as it took me two years to finally see Batman Begins, and even so, only because I needed to know what proceeded the Dark Knight.
After so many viewings of the Michael Keaton Batman movies, anything new had a lot to live up to. Jack Nicholson, Danny Devito, Michelle Pfeiffer- they all so branded their faces to those characters that I was hesitant to say the least. Then, I had the enormous misfortune of seeing part of Batman Forever with Jim Carey, and the rest of the cast that butchered the legend that I knew to be Batman. Hopefully, this can explain why I didn't rush to the theater to see Batman Begins. My thought process was: No Michael Keaton, no me. Whoops!
I knew going into the movie theater last night that this movie was really over-hyped, and that unless the characters popped out of the movie screens to rub my feet and hold my drink for me, I would probably be disappointed. And I wasn't. But I wasn't running from the theater screaming, "Christopher Nolan is my idol!!!!"
In short, Maggie Gylenhaal took a crappy part left behind by the not so gifted Katie Holmes and made it movie-worthy. Michael Caine is as dependable as air, and I hope to chat with him about life and love one day, hopefully under the guise of sipping tea as I drool in awe of him. (After Cider House Rules, he gained a super fan for life.) Christian Bale was very much the same. And Heath Ledger. Oh, Heath. I loved him in Lords of Dogtown, Ned Kelly, Brokeback Mountain, Monster's Ball, and A Knight's Tale. He was so personable and charming and charismatic and just seeing his talent ooze off of the screen made me sad all over again. I was sad that if the powers that be choose to make a third Batman, he can't be in it. And I was sad that his family and friends would be experiencing bittersweet emotions as he receives posthumous praise. So, how did I feel after seeing the Dark Knight? Really, really sad.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I am trying to teach them to "look" in a direction as a command. Because looking requires no jumping or whinnying or panting or running. And looking means I can have a moment of stillness, even if it means I am pointing vigorously at at imaginary dot in the air and saying "Look! Look!" (On second thought, it's just role reversal.)
Maybe Christian Bale thought he was actually Batman when he "allegedly" assaulted his own mother and sister. Maybe they were "JOKE-ing" with him and something deep inside of him triggered a reaction. But the joker isn't real, and apparently he does still have a mother in real life, so let's all cross our fingers that Batman can learn to keep it on set.
What an American Psycho!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Me: "What are u doing for dinner?"
Jordan: "Just had a ham turkey munster cheese sandwich."
Me: "You really have a terrible food schedule."
Jordan: "It's 6 nubbayy."
Me: "Yeah, who eats at 6? Old Floridian retirees."
Jordan: "I'm getting prepared. Can't just jump into retirement and just eat early. Gotta gradually move up. Have you no logic?"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I found an article, really a 27 page spread, on 25 things vanishing from America. As a quicker summary, here they are on one page:
25. Pit Toilets- Out houses. They'll be sorely missed, by the open sores caused by using such an unnecessarily primitive toilet.
24. Yellow Pages- While I may have not even thought to use the Yellow Pages as anything more than a furniture leveler in a long time, I once wished I could get to it when i locked myself out and had to use 411 instead. Ironic.
23. Classified Ads- There's something a little more formal about "taking an ad out" vs. posting an ad online. And, gasp, does this mean they will charge for Craigslist?
22. Movie Rental Stores- No, really? Who would have thought that keeping your prices as it while a much more generously priced competitor offers better service would have been a bad business model? Oh, anyone who actually thought about it.
21. Dial-Up Internet Access- This can only be good. Now, I can know that it doesn't matter where I am connecting to the internet, I won't be hearing a dial tone.
20. Phone Landlines- Hopefully, this will afford service providers to get towers where they need to be so dead zones are, um, dead.
19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs- Animal extinction scares me. Period. So why not put a ban on fishing for these blue crabs for even one damn summer and give them a chance to heal their ecosystem?
18. VCR's- Are you telling me that these have not already vanished? I can just see children getting ahold of VHS tapes and ripping them to shreds. Jump ropes, dental floss, wedding gown dress-up, a new world of possibility can emerge.
17. Ash Trees- So, we know which bug is killing these trees, and we haven't made bigger efforts to kill the bug?
16. Ham Radio- I'm thinking that as long as both hand and radio are left intact, not a soul cares.
15. Swimming Holes- I like the idea of allowing people to come swim in little swimming holes across the country. So instead of "No Trespassing" signs to avoid being sued, I'm going to start a petition to put up signs saying "No Liability Swimming." That should be good for all them there readers of words and stuff.
14. Answering Machines- Maybe someone will think of an at home answering machine to be synched up to your cell phone. I don't want it, but maybe people sick of hearing the same prompts and putting in security codes might appreciate a push of a button.
13. Cameras With Film- I finally made the transition. So I'm ready. Bye bye.
12. Incandescent Bulbs- Their replacements looks the same, act better, last longer, and are more efficient. Deal.
11. Stand Alone Bowling Alleys- I can't see bowling at an arcade even coming close to being the same experience.
10. The Milkman- Um, is it just me or have they been LONG gone?
9. Hand-Written Letters- You can't take this away from meeeeeeeee......
8. Wild Horses- This made me sad. I have this vision of horseback riding through Wyoming and meeting up with Wild Horses and that just becomes an unrealistic thought once you factor in a lack of Wild Horses.
7. Personal Checks- Are you saying you're too good for my checks? I buy checks to support breast cancer. Taking them away, that's like being pro-breast cancer. Tacky.
6. Drive-In Theaters- There is one that I go to every year, so maybe I should go more often if it's on its' way out.
5. Mumps and Measles- Mumps and Measles are already out. Let's stop rolling around in past glory and work on things like HIV and paralysis. Gosh!
4. Honey Bees- I am so torn on this one! On one hand, I don't want farmers to be out of work. On the other hand and two feet, I don't like honey and I really hate bees.
3. News Magazines and TV News- I feel like a major contributor to this passing fad. I'm sorry. When I want to unwind, I don't want to hear about tragedy, loss, and things to fear.
2. Analog TV- Who will miss this?
1. The Family Farm- Whatever, your list can't break my dreams! I will have my own farm, and no, it will not compete or sell anything, just self-sustaining, green, and featuring indoor plumbing.
Monday, July 14, 2008
This always reminds me of looking through a flip-book. Although instead of watching snow fall, or a balloon inflate and then blow away, you get to see a dog instigate, and then get chewed on in many angles. And the best part? It repeats as a live show every night in my living room. Generally around 9 pm.
Up first, we have Mojo staring her down. Notice Marley was calmly minding her own business.
Here we have Marley using a combination of bitch slapping and trying to push him away as fair warning. (My mother was kind enough to point out that this is a very unflattering shot of Marley's size.)
As he relentlessly nibbles on her to jump up and fight like a real dog, she leisurely chews on his leg. You don't get that bod by standing all the way up every time you start getting bitten.
Here's my favorite! I cannot decide if her bulging eyes mean he just got her good, or if it means she is biting down with extra vigor. It's the type of expression that words fail to properly explain.
My heart goes out to all inhabitants of my apartment building, as it is managed, owned, and run by heartless and ignorant people. I thought for a while maybe all supers just don't care, but I hear stories of people actually having good experiences, so I try to refrain from clumping all apartment building managers together. See? Shying away from stereotypes!
And I know it might sound bad, but when I hear my neighbors complain, it makes me feel like part of the team. "We are suffering together," not "I am being singled out and slowly being forced from the building." A feeling of camaraderie every once in a while is just plain refreshing! But this guys note taped up in my elevator two nights ago may be a little extreme.
I don't know what scares me more: The thought of a psychotic loose one floor below me, or the knowledge that this guy talks to me every day. Mr. Forty-Something year old man with wife and baby daughter and basset hound, I am scared of you. Cancer and death? Really?
This is Walter. My boss named her Walter before she laid eggs to prove him wrong, but he one-upped her and left her name as is. We're office mates. Anyway, I tried to capture her ferociously eating her bugs, as this was more movement than I had seen from her in months. But each shot, she looked serene and self-aware.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Being admittedly fairly incompetent when it comes to solving computer problems, I understand that computer savvy users disagree with my assessment of Macs rocking my socks. However, when I sit in front of a PC, I deal with viruses, alerts, codes for system failures, and a generally roundabout way to save, store, and search for anything. When I sit in front of my Mac, it speak to me in English. A program is not responding, restart. Okay, I can handle that. Click and drag? Check. Search function working at high capability? Sounds like everything I could ask for. So, yes, for those of you who choose to decode hidden messages and constantly use your latest and greatest spyware programs to ward off hackers from right and left, go ahead. I can only say for me, the Mac is 100% easier, smarter, prettier, and less frustrating.
When I shared it with a die-hard PC Activist:
The article says it correctly...
Apple tells 'a good story'
And that's what you get from a Dr. Seuss computer, stories.
I could not, would not, with a Mac
I can not, will not, you can bank on that.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Every once in a while, I wish I lived in N.Y.C. I could go home after work, unwind, and walk out onto a street where life never stops. It doesn't happen often, and bear in mind, in these delusions, money is no object and my magical brownstone is impervious to sirens, graffiti, sewer smoke, and shoe-box sized rooms. I'm working on it.
For those of you who walk on those city streets in the muggy heat wave, there is an AWESOME show to go see:
So go watch it, I will sit and send my ever-so-powerful ESP waves over to HBO to pick it up in a few months.
My love for make-up can hardly be contained even in the white armoire I bought just to house that and hair products. For as long as I can remember, I have collected it, worn it, loved it, admired it, saved for it, and purchased it. And sometimes I feel the world of make-up gets overshadowed by new digital advances or fancy hair treatments, ergonomic heels, and plastic surgery procedures.
Well, make-up lovers, today marks a new era in technological advancement! (Today for me, months ago for the people who actually work for the company.) Cargo has come out with a new line called Cargo: blu ray. Make-up that was originally created to be used on actors being filmed in high definition. And isn't real life in high definition? With your contacts in.
I first became a fan of the Cargo cosmetics line when they had the brilliant idea of opening up color design options for their lipsticks to celebrity's for charitable organizations. And I jumped at the chance to buy a lipstick Debra Messing's Fez that she wore on Will and Grace. And I drooled at the chance to wear a lipstick created by a make-up artist specifically to be worn by Jennifer Aniston in her wedding to Brad Pitt, Plume. So, long story short, I'll be at Sephora sooner than later.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
This morning, on my drive to work, I noticed a favorite gas haunt of mine was toting $4.07 cents for regular gas. I knew it was coming, but that didn't prevent the inevitable "kicked in my stomach" feeling. I want to be optimistic and say family values will soar, as people have less and less options than to be home-bound. There will be less speeding on the road, which will create in more aware and safe driving results. Parents will give their kids less money to burn on joy riding, and that could instill a greater work ethic in otherwise lazy and assumptive youth. But really, I just think about how much lighter my wallet is, and how it may soon evaporate like all these ozone killing fumes flying out of my gas tank.
And in case anyone else out there is feeling the rape, er, burn, check this out: GasPricesHurt. Tips, humor, commentary, news, and forums. What more could you ask for? Except winding time backwards to when we only had to complain about expensive health care, rising housing costs, and unemployment.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
When it comes to "fashion," I feel that attempts at being innovative far supercede taste and appropriateness which can lead to entertainment, shock, and generally disappointment. There are reasonable new ideas, that I may not like, but to each his own. For instance, those Croc-like shoes. Here. Do you know why they had previously only been worn in the garden? Because they are easy to hose off, and never need to be seen by the public. I could go on forever: parachute pants, anything red leather, arm warmers, sideways baseball caps. It doesn't end. However, switching from tacky to things I would be embarrassed to see a small child near is a whole other story. The first "trend" I had heard about was taking Japan by storm, this sort of faux see through clothing idea. Because, really, what could be more exciting than covering up your butt only to falsely reveal a butt printed on the back of your skirt? Classy! The scarves lower on the page, also really a great idea. Really. And when I thought it couldn't get much more graphic, I see THIS which, in all honestly, I actually saw in the vicinity of a restaurant, I would run home and not eat for at least a day or two.
Leave it to Martha Stewart to have a Cutest Cupcake Contest. I am looking forward to hearing about Cutest Lasagna's, Cutest Salad Mixes, and of course, Cutest Cuts of Chicken.
Here are some of my favorite cupcake design ideas. Maybe when I have kids of my own, some sort of skilled baker maternal instinct with patience of icing design tools will kick in, and I will steal these ideas:
Monday, July 7, 2008
Besides being overly difficult to spell, I have never been a fan of Dachshunds. I don't like snakes. I don't like mammals created to look like snakes. Ferrets, Dachshunds, Corgi's, etc.
And my instincts served me right! Read this. It's short, promise. I'm also right about Chihuaha's and Jack Russel Terrier's, even though I have met at least one good Jack Russel.
I love being right!
Some people feel lonely when watching a romantic movie and there's nobody around to hold hands with. Some feel it when cooking a meal for one. And some people relish personal time, and they enjoy the freedom to cry at a cheesy movie, or to make an entire bag of brussel sprouts with sauerkraut and grilled tofu sprinkled on top. (This isn't about judging me, okay?)
I think that each bit of loneliness, however it is received, makes a person a better half when the time comes. A little more competent. A little more confident. Self-sufficient and definitely more appreciative. Because, how does someone know if they are with the right one, unless they feel right as one? What good is the perfect bike if you haven't mastered riding one?
And it can be scary, while being good. I wonder if I'll find someone more versatile and entertaining than my DVR... or, gasp, someone I actually want to hand the remote over to. But it doesn't stop me from enjoying the lack of compromise right now.
And then there are nights like I experienced a few nights ago. A night where there is nothing that can bring you down, and then you are laying on the floor of rock bottom wondering how the hell you got there. I wonder, at least. I would like my condition to be recognized: The complete inability to put things together. I would totally buy a little silver pill in the shape of a screw and hope for the best. I wouldn't even ask my insurance to go fifty-fifty with me.
In a lot of ways, I am independent and self-supporting. I carried a heavy box inside all by myself, while not scratching my new purse, not denting my pedicure, and carrying my new vase and stones inside. (Practically she-woman, yes.) And as I assertively open that big new box, housing a worthless "fan," I pull out each piece with vigor and excitement. The directions, at first glance, are in Manglish. (Not fair. Many of my female friends have helped me assemble small pieces as I have proven to be incompetent.) But still, a language I am incapable of reading or following.
Let me put this condition into perspective: I own The Magic Bullet but haven't used it yet, because the idea of screwing the wrong pieces together frustrate me enough to just go out and buy whatever I had been momentarily inspired to make myself. I have given new pictures away, because the back pieces that attach to the nail on the wall first needed to be attached to the frame, and that is inconceivable. I have a beautiful new shower head, sitting in plastic for the past six months, because I don't want to chance screwing it in improperly.
So, after a little bit of confusion, I put all of the stupid, clumsy, and vague fan pieces away. Dragged the box out of plain view and I felt lonelier than I have in a long time. And if Honeywell and I weren't so completely over, I would tell them I would have paid double for a pre-assembled fan.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Made for TV movies? Not anymore! Let's hear it for Made From TV movies! (copyright pending.)
In the depths of my heart, I was secretly hoping that the enormous success of the Sex and the City Movie would inspire some other TV favorites to bring their fans up to date. I just received word that my favorite Friends will be making an attempt. I am so looking forward to seeing what everyone will be written to be up to.
Some other movies I would definitely be down for:
E R: The Movie... Now for this movie, there might not be time for a full on plot, as just reintroducing all 4,000 main characters would probably take up the bulk of aloted time, but I think it's a sacrifice well worth making.
Sopranos: The Movie... If for no other reason than to find out what happened at that restaurant booth to Tony and clan after the lights were drawn to one of the greatest television dramas known to man. I promise, if there was a way to keep the secret of the movie under wraps, with let's say the threat of a hit man visit, I guarantee that every person subscribing to HBO would come out to watch the movie.
and The Wonder Years: The Movie... Where everyone's all grown up and still living under the same roof. Not letting the 21st century infiltrate the delicate time capsule that was the portrayal on 1950's adolescence is key. Where Kevin Arnold's voice over work can be dubbed by a young boy.
See? I've got some tricks up my sleeve.
Call me, Warner Brothers!
Continuing with the whole bodily function motif, what is it about using children's code for things that automatically makes them funny?
Jon Stewart: "Now when you say pee pee out of my bum bum, is that what the doctor told you? 'Cuz that might not have been a doctor."
Mike Myers: "Listen, if I've blinded you with science, I apologize."
Mike Myers: "I made pee pee out of my bum bum."
Jon Stewart: "Now when you say pee pee out of my bum bum, is that what the doctor told you? 'Cuz that might not have been a doctor."
Mike Myers: "Listen, if I've blinded you with science, I apologize."
*If you have the tendency to say "ew" to things like natural bodily functions, don't bother reading any further. Just say "ew" now, and call it a post. *
If you can take it, look here.
And to put it into persective,
There are natural phenomenon's every day. I just happened to catch one where I least expected it.
Why are Fourth of July fireworks going off on the second of July? I would have been upset about missing them... BUT when my apartment started shaking and Mojo ran to the door and back over and over again, I looked out from my window and realized that I had the best seat possible... in air conditioning.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Food was of major importance from day one.
I used to shuffle instead of actually walk, because she was too low to the ground for me to be comfortable.
Most dogs look out the window, Marley prefers to stare straight at me, contemplating any opportunity to lick my face.
Older, but still svelte.
And people wonder why there is black dog hair everywhere.