I saw these two automobiles parked within five feet of each other in the Hamptons in the summer of 2008. And between friendly people, cute ice cream cones in everyone's hand and then these, I was pretty sure I stepped into the summer of 1958.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I want to like PETA. I appreciate what they stand for. But like every fervent believer, there is a line that gets crossed. PETA sometimes is a great organization. And sometimes they fight ignorance with hate. Scare tactics and cruelty to humans is no way to prevent cruelty to animals. Fight hate with love.
So maybe they got the memo, and maybe they didn't. But, come on PETA, Save the Sea Kittens? Come on! Really?
My friend Brian got me this bottle of Bitch wine for my 25th birthday. And against my better judgement, I opened it. It was perfect as is, and I said, "No, I must try this." Attention anyone who has this same type of wine at home: Keep intact. It tastes like one part bad red wine, and nine parts unfiltered water. But I would suggest still buying this wine and giving it to, let's say, the Amish. They probably won't open it, and just respect it as it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I love Best Of Craigslist. More than the actual site. And everyone knows I love Craigslist! Without it, where would I have found my first apartment? Or my second? Or a few rugs that I picked up from all over new Jersey, because I didn't trust the dogs not to shred a nice new one? Speaking of dogs, where would I have found a psychotically hyperactive orphaned yorkie with a biting problem named Gizmo whose name I would immediately change to Mojo?
Yet, even after taking all of that into account, Best Of Craigslist still wins. And if you can remember to just check it about once a month, because that's how often it is updated, I promise it will make you smile. This entry just caught my eye. And just in case the link gets erased, or unpublished, I wanted to share the post with my future self.
"So, you've got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you.
But, you're just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes.
I've met your type before and I know just what you need.
I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me.
I'm sure you're wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail.
What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you'll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You'll catch glimpses of the life you once had...casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime...and though you'll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you've had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health.
This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker."
Sigh. Or- hah.
Monday, January 26, 2009
President Obama was sworn into office last week, and his "call to action" is absolutely being put into effect. He has lifted the privacy act so the public can see what the president is doing always. He has helped with laws regarding abortion. He has taken steps to close Guantanamo Bay and harsh interrogation tactics, since they work so well. He has addressed both Israel and Palestine, and has tasked George Mitchell to help, as he has calmed other feuding areas around the world. And that's just to name a few. And this is some of what I have heard, she who spends no time in front of CNN. That is more good that I could research that has happened in the past two days than has gone down in eight long years. And this was all within his second day in office!
This is an exciting time to be, finally. And what would America be, if not concerned with capitalizing on his person? The new Obama doll here! And why not mix it up with Die Hard?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
MSG is letting dog owners submit their dogs' pictures, and then they get voted on! (In honor of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.) My dogs could never be eligible, because they are so far from the "normal" of their breeds. But let's see how they fair in this little competition...
I sent in an email with a few pictures for Mojo, and one email with a few pictures for Marley to firstname.lastname@example.org. Here was Mojo's application email:
Mojo also goes by the names Mojito, Mojmeister, and Mojo-Jojo. He is a purebred Yorkshire Terrier who may or may not have been fed steroids as an infant. An adult male Yorkie weighs in at a whopping 7 pounds. Mojo, while extremely slim, tips the scales at just over 17 pounds! He acts like a dog bigger than his size, why not actually be one?
Check and vote and upload your own!
From Housekeeping Monthly, May 13th, 1955
My grandmother was pregnant with my father when this article was written. People were bringing life into this world under this social norm, and it is so enormously different than what I can imagine living in that I can't help but wonder why it ever existed. And what will future generations be shocked about by today's standards?
Here are some highlights:
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Be happy to see him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even is he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
- Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions of question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Jersey City, NJ: A place that smells bad. Just kidding. It only smells bad in some spots. In other spots, the ones that are now priced so far out of most people's price ranges that there is more parking available due to abundant vacancies, is actually a beautiful place to live and eat and drink and walk puppies in. I only really know of the Hamilton Park area first hand, but I hear there are a few other small areas worth spending some time in. If you ever find yourself in the mood for some amazing, authentic** Italian food, then I strongly recommend dining at Porto Leggero. The food was unbeatable, and the room itself, while it may not be screaming authentic rusticity, it definitely screams "You wish you lived here!" If and when you do decide to give it a go, definitely order the porcini filled ravioli with white and black truffle sauce. Like you wouldn't have already been ordering that!
**I cannot fairly judge "authentic" Italian food, since I am neither well traveled or Italian.**
Do you know how when you see a new car you like and had never noticed before it suddenly appears as every fifth car driving on the road? That has been similar to my experience with "ugly sweaters." Now, maybe it's because my family never celebrated Christmas (seemingly the hugest ugly sweater offender), or because my grandmother is always very style conscious, but the phenomenon eluded me for most of my life. By the time I finally realized that people actually wore these gaudy, over-stimulating, excessively themed sweaters, I could hardly poke fun, because the people wearing them often looked like this.
As I became more aware of such fashion atrocities, I noticed more than sewn on reindeer and bright colors. There are pom poms, glitter, ribbon, metallics, 3-D everything, playing music, flashing lights, attachments all over.... The list goes on and on, and I got to a point where I don't care who is wearing them, just seeing one makes me want to rush over to that person, check their label, and put a call in to the manufacturer just to see how demented they really are. Or the designer! "What do you do for a living?" "Er, flip burgers at Wendy's, thank you very much!"
But these sweaters now serve a real purpose: Ugly Sweater Parties!!!! And White People obviously seem to really like them. Here are pics from the ugly sweater party I attended this year:
A little Brady Bunch family:
Many of us enjoyed the pleasure of a three-day weekend, thanks to honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's birthday. Some people, like myself, went shopping (and got nothing). Some people watched movies and relaxed. And some people went skiing/snowboarding, snow-things. If I had known the slopes could get THIS exciting, I would have been at least standing by Bear Mountain!
Friday, January 16, 2009
How many times have you thoughtlessly thrown a less than ripe banana into a bag filled with heavy, moveable objects and then slammed your bag around enough for the banana to be smushed everywhere? Well, if your answer is even once, then there is, er, banana case, for you! Behold the Banana Bunker.
About the inventor:"Paul is a tremendously creative individual, with a focus on Product Design accumulating over 9 patents over the last few years on products for the house wares industry. The most successful of those products is the Banana Bunker, which will transform the way individuals will treat his or her own diet, allowing consumers to eat healthier. Even in this fast paced economy, these products create the possibility of eating fresh fruit whenever the consumer wishes."
I'm suuuuure he was only concerned with healthy eating when he made this.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
This week is all about reactions. How I will react in a new environment. How the dogs will react in a new space. How people will react to all of the above. I am fine. The transition has been much like drinking from a faucet your whole life. Then needing to pump your own well water filled with grime and disease for a few years, slurping it up with your hands. And now, drinking a cold glass of Brita. I'd say the transition would be seamless for just about everyone, save trolls under bridges, and even then...
The dogs have adjusted faster than I would have thought. I'm reading "Merle's Door" right now, and it's chock full of fascinating dog behavior studies. Dogs living in the now, dogs not holding on to fears once that fear has been dispelled even once. It reads like the best, most heartfelt textbook I've ever voluntarily read. And it's not that I doubted the dogs would love the new the digs, but I thought that they would always be itching to get back "home." I realize now that they have been just as happy to escape as I have.
Last night was my first chance to have non-family members over, and I was as excited for them to see it, as I was to get back into it. Marley was her usual menacing and scheming self- hunting for fallen crumbs and open mouths. And Mojo was "normal," shaking and rolling and running and passing out.
Courtesy of Julia:
Inmate #364Name: Marley Grace
Imprisoned for: Grand theft auto, stinky butt
Alex: “You like The Labrynth over Lord of the Rings?”
Alex: “That’s like saying you like canned guacamole over fresh guacamole. You do, don’t you?”
Me: “I’ve never even heard of canned guacamole.”
Alex: “Yes, you have: The Labrynth.”
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
I moved from here to here this weekend, and I am trying to think of a more profound example of the term "fresh start." I can't think of one. I want to think of the bright side- every cloud has a silver lining. And for sure, had I not endured my previous experience, my appreciation level would probably be much lower than it is right now. Yep, there the silver lining ends.
Goodbye to leaky windows and ceilings and crumbling asbestos paint walls. (They really made me sign and asbestos waiver when I moved in. What was I thinking?) Goodbye to oppressive heat and drafty winds that chilled me to the bone. Goodbye to: non-functioning shower, a moody toilet, murky faucet waters, angry and creepy and nasty neighbors, no parking spots, ice covering everything, lazy landlord, carbon monoxide leaking stove, paper thin walls and floors. Oh, the floors! The wood older than George Washington's teeth. "Please shellac the wood!" "no." Genius.
I will miss only my rent payments to that place.
And 2009 has just earned it's keep, on it's tenth day.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I wanted to sum up the shitty, fast, wonderful year of late. So, cheers to 2008!
January: Rang in the new year, let down. Vowed ten things that I never followed up on. Let down.
February: Officially lost a person in my life who I thought was a friend. Veil was lifted, and reality stung- a lot. Gave up drinking.
March: Marley turned two and I noticed an immediate decrease in energy level. Thrilling! Destructo-Dog on a smaller dose of caffeine can only be a good thing.
April: Buried myself in work. I was happy and independent and wore my first pair of flip flops of the year.
May: Noticed Marley's weight increase as a direct response to her lack of incessant hyperactivity. Soaked in the weather and parks and people and threw out almost as much crap as I kept.
June: Heat. Hot. And it only just began.
July: Fun, parties, beach trips and BBQ's. Wanted to get a dog cake at the barkery for Mojo's birthday, but forgot, and figured Marley didn't need it.
August: Cursed being on the top floor of a building, cursed mugginess, and noticed more people laying on their horns in a frustrated, uncomfortable haze. Hid in the Hamptons for a few days.
September: Had wine, realized it's too good to give up. Gave up all soda's instead. Resumed the New Year's resolution of hitting the gym. Got hooked. Loved everyone.
October: Anticipated my vacation. Decided that moving was no longer just an "option." House hunted, loved/hated/craved seeing apartments.
November: Went to Bermuda. Relaxed, finally. Turned 25. Fell on my face and broke my front tooth. Spent two months rent fixing it. Inhaled the Twilight series, and it reignited my love for reading, and immediately broke the sad and powerful hold that my DVR had been slowly killing me with.
December: Spent a little too much time thinking radio stations were rushing the Christmas season, and wound up losing most of the month. Present and gifts and I tried my first sip of eggnog. Gave up an apartment, and found another one. Started packing.
And here we are, January 9th, my last day of sleeping in the slum known as my home for the past few years. I have about 60 boxes (most of them small, so don't judge), and movers come at 9 am tomorrow morning. Come snow, because it is coming, or high water, I am out. I'm already light year's ahead of my resolutions last year. I am really excited to see what this year brings to me, or should I say I to it?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
"On June 10th, 1692, Bridget Bishop became the first of twenty people executed for witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials." -Austin Cline
On January 8th, 2009, a woman was bound, gagged, tied to a stake, and burned to death in rural Papua New Guinea, because she was most likely believed to be a witch. Here's the full article. CNN also goes on to say that "According to the United Nations, Papua New Guinea accounts for 90 percent of the Pacific region's HIV cases and is one of four Asia-Pacific countries with an epidemic." And "In recent years, as AIDS has taken a toll in the nation of 6.7 million people, villagers have blamed suspected witches -- and not the virus -- for the deaths."
To each his own, different cultures make the world what it is, yada yada, blah. But if the RACE, of which we ALL belong to, cannot help to make strides towards humanity abroad, why bother at all? I feel like an idealogical philosophy student screaming "Unfair!" at the top of my lungs from a grassy hill at an Ivy League school right now. I get it. If we could only get some water filters down to rural Dominican Republic, we could eradicate a ton of diseases instantly. If we could only send food over to starving people in Uganda, slavery would not exist there. If we could only do a hundred little things, a million bigger things would be better. And who are we, right?
It just irks me that Saeed Ahmed (reporter for CNN) can gather all of this information, on the misinformation of the rural Guinea's, why can't anyone let them in on the advancements in knowledge the word over has experienced in the past 316.5 years?
I took these pictures on an "*upscale" bar on the main drag in Hamilton, Bermuda. Carrie and I were in the middle of our three bar pub crawl, I know, impressive, and we thought there would be no better way to honor such an event than to fully homage all of these drinking quotes.
* By "upscale," I meant it had air conditioning, stunk like cooked shrimp, had a counter to buy tee shirts inside, and charged me fourteen dollars for my shot of bottom shelf vodka and a lemon wedge.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
This chicken came from a store in Sag Harbor, New York that sells- chickens. Not real ones, no variations in texture. Every chicken looks exactly the same, with different accessories to give it the appearance of having a certain disposition. They are all painted over with chalkboard paint, so that people can keep them in their kitchens and write shopping lists on them.
Don't get me wrong: I think they are adorable. I want one, or ten, or whatever, but a shopping list? You clearly cannot pick up this chicken and bring it with you in your shopping cart. And even if you wanted to, the moving of it would have the chalk rub right off onto your shirt, or car. If you did want to write on this chicken, you would have to then rewrite your list on an old and boring piece of paper, and then you would have to wipe down the chicken to do it all over again. And why am I dissecting this? I am jealous! Full fledged bitter, actually. Why can't I think of these things?
How about a large ceramic shampoo bottle that stands in the shower and you can change the caps on it to be different colors depicting your mood? So that way, when your spouse gets into the shower after you, they can know what to expect that morning. Or how about a plastic doll shaped like, let's say, a potato. And it's extremities can be interchanged and removed and we can call it mister for no real reason at all. Who wants to bankroll these?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Marley's How-To Break In A Bed:
Step 1: Shove dog bed onto the hardest possible surface to avoid cushioning and comfort.
Step 2: Dismember said bed to remove any internal padding or cushions to again, avoid comfort.
Step 3: Completely ignore bed remnants until about 2.5 seconds after your brother decides to settle into what is left of it.
Step 4: Climb into bed, laying on the remaining 3 inches of bed space, and start pushing brother off of the cloth and onto the wood.
Step 5: Look both taken advantage of and bewildered as you claim your space, even though you'd rather be searching the corners of the floors for any collections of dust to scarf down.