Monday, August 31, 2009


Varying degrees of curious to panicked.

It has gold stripes!

I see hair!

Normally, I am a hell of a lot more scared of a flying insect over a spider. I can come off as quite the brave girl as I squash an enormous centipede without too much of a flinch. But put a housefly in the room with me, and good luck taking my blood pressure! It will be high! There's just something about getting within two inches of a deadly looking spider that can chill your blood. Thankfully, my wits didn't set in until about ten minutes post-pictures.

Quote of the Day

Me: "I've never heard of Iron Man"

Alex: "You have too many things that you've never heard of. Now I don't know what kind of basement in Austria you've been locked in, but its time to get out."

Friday, August 28, 2009

Anyone who says they get release from working out, count your blessings.

Quote of the Day

Me: “You have to wear nice shoes tomorrow.”

Julia: “I’m gonna try to break my legs tonight so I can be wheeled in by a wheelchair.”

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I call this "Just One Sip."

Quote of the Day

Jordan: “I'm gunna become holistisizerist.”

I'm so proud!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

MJ Through The Years

Here's an interesting article on Michael Jackson's clearly surgically altered appearances through the years...

I'll never forget once reading how he had admitted to only having two nose jobs, when the world had seen him with at least 5 or ten of them. He was the cutest kid, though.


From the looks of it, She is not too happy.

Quote of the Day

After sitting behind an insufferable Pennsylvania driver trying to get into a lane to filter into the Lincoln Tunnel last night...

Julia: "Brian, I want you to walk out of the car and go punch them in the butt."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


This just happens to be Marley's favorite spot in the house. Not a dog bed, not a pillow, not the couch or bed. Me.

Quote of the Day

Me: "Rumer Willis, is ummm..."

Brian: "Yeah, what a bummer! You would think 'cuz she is Bruce Willis' daughter, she’d be really hot."

Julia: "Brian, that was really gay. You should have said, you would think 'cuz she is Demi Moore’s daughter that she’d be really hot.”

Me: "Nothing is wrong with being gay, and she does have a point."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Tax Dollars Done Right

There's something just heartwarming about finding out a small child was fined for doing what children do. Or actually, what children used to do before they decided they could annoy their parents into placating them with allowances and video games and cartoon channels. I get all fuzzy inside thinking about how police officers scared the motivation out of a future citizen of the world instead of, I don't know, pulling over the a**holes driving around town cutting people (me) off with no signals. Or, gasp, attempt to deter a real criminal from committing a real crime. Good job, guys!


Marley lays in the grass catching her breath, while Mojo gasps at air, but refuses to turn his ears down from "mega alert" to "dog." Like, hello? Did you see that stray cat in that direction fifteen minutes ago who walked by with her tail in the air going away from us? I MUST stare in that direction, because, ummm, did you see the cat before?!?!

Quote of the Day

B.H.: “One foot on the banana peel, one foot on the grave.”

Friday, August 21, 2009


Who says New York doesn't have palm trees? We just ship them in. No biggie.

Quote of the Day

Alex: "Can I help you?"

Julia: "I was just wondering why you were huffing so loudly with your nose air."

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Gym Flirting With Jim and Jim

So, there's this guy at the gym. Big, bad, and bald, to be specific. And we tend to be by the same machines during the same time. I also tend to think he lives in this section, leaving only to rip more tee-shirts into revealing masculine tank tops that tough guys wear. He's a grunter. The kind that you know is forced, and awkwardly sexual- every woman's dream! Thankfully, his grunting isn't too invasive, and I almost enjoy imagining what is going through his head as he exaggerates his efforts.

This morning: dude numero dos enters the area, and he looks like a bull in a china shop, if bulls were puny and wore their blonde hair in spikes especially for working out. His gym mantra is much different from The Grunter, as he doesn't do any "impressive" lifting. But he does do really short sets! And in-between each of these sets, he leaps off of the machine, puffs out his chest, holds his arms out, and speed walks angrily around. It's as if he was trying to gain energy to get back to lifting those forty pounds. From afar, these two men were indulging in some sort of ancient bird mating ritual. Both male, and showing off, but oddly working well together.

I have but one complaint towards The Puffer. At the end of his 45 second sets, he let all of the weights slam down. And while it was better that he would do that, than The Grunter, whose weights would have been even louder, flat metal on flat metal is loud. And unpleasant. If he, The Puffer, would take people's ears into consideration, I would gladly be a witness to the joining in holy matrimony of Puff and Grunt. They deserve each other.


This was taken about 15 minutes after her first dose of antibiotics. But this? This is nothing! Two days later, I got home and she had tied her leash around her leg like a tournakit and was begging for a needle.

Western medicine. A slippery slope.

Quote of the Day

Jordan: “You wanna hear something gross that is close to making me puke if I dont stop thinking about it?"

Me: “Not really.”

Jordan: “I guess 5 minutes in boiling water isn't enough for the yolk, 'cause the outside is fine, but I bit into a few of the yolks and the inside is still like a baby chick looking me in the face, squeeking, "Stop, it hurts!"

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably) "Stop! It hurts!"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Show I Missed...

O.A.R. was playing at MSG with Matt Nathanson! And I missed it! Deliberately. Because regret is so much easier than action. But I found something from the show that I wouldn't have been able to see at the show, even if I had went! Here:


Don't let his big head fool you. The only reason he has this bone is because after three hours of work, Marley was taking a breather.

Quote of the Day

A.H.: "You have to remember, a strip club is like a museum. You look but don't touch. All you can do is make a donation- just like a museum."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm Difficult...

Strange realization I've been cycling towards for a little while now: I may not be the most easy-going person around. But, sadly, I thought that I was. I thought because I was forgiving and understanding of people, I was forgiving and understanding of controllable situations, and that is just frankly not the case.

So in light of Justin Timberlake's Twitter post about his three things pet peeves: Being poked, patted, or pinched. So, thank you, JT, for I too have those same pet peeves! G-d, is poking not the worst? The kvetching began with this heat, yeah, I am talking about it again. When your body shuts down, makes you dizzy and you head pound painfully when it's humid out, then you may bitch alongside me. Other things that have been irking me: IM etiquette that varies from my own. Don't be "return" happy. If you split up your sentences into 14 lines, I will cry a little on the inside. And I would really appreciate if people didn't IM me the nano-second I log in. There are things I like to do. Like, sit down completely. Gather my thoughts? Start what I set out to do. And while I am ranting like a soon-to-be lonely friendless cold-hearted something or other, if you IM me, or call me, or seek me out in any way, it would be lovely to have something to say. The whole, "Hey, what's up with you?" "Nothing, relaxing, you?" "I'm booooredddd, entertain me!" thing was tired before it ever started on its long and pointless journey. I call people when I have a purpose. Is that weird? Do people today like being interrupted from whatever they choose to do with their time to be tasked with being someone verbal circus clown?

The truth is, I am so lucky to have friends that call to listen to a whole lot of nothing, and I would only trade them for their identical twins if they had better IM and phone etiquette. But can you really expect anything less from this girl:

When I was young, about 6 years old, I wanted to have a sleepover with this girl across the street (Sandy Sin), and we begged for two years and my mother always refused, because we were "Just across the street!" But, when my parents split up, my dad was at that house with me, and he let me go over there on night in the middle of the summer. So, our six year old dreams were realized, and we got to stay up late and polish our nails at her place. Once we go to bed, she on her twin bed, I on the floor, quickly realized that sleep would not come early. I had never been anywhere that didnt have air conditioning and I can still remember the panic and tossing and turning that rapidly ensued. I made her switch spots with me thinking being closer to the window might help, and back and forth about five or six times. At around 3 am, I let her know our sleep over was over, and I marched over to her father's bedroom door and started knocking. She begged me not to wake up her strict Korean father, but her cries fell on sweaty ears. I successfully woke him up, he called my dad, and they met in their boxers in the middle of the street to hand me over like a defunct parcel. And I remember the freezing cold that encircled me as I got into my father's room. He likes to sleep in 45 degrees also!


I've heard about certain colors evoking certain emotion and subliminal responses in people. Like yellow can stimulate appetites? Or was it red? This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I didn't major in Psychology. I can remember big ideas and lose the details. Like, "Yes, patient of mine. You are crazy. Maybe psychotic? Or co-dependent? Equally disastrous in my book!"

These plates are in my father's dining room, and they do a helluva lot more to deter me from over-eating than some color on the wall. She's watching....

Quote of the Day

Adam: ”Fergie needs eye rings to hold her face up.”

Monday, August 17, 2009


And this is why he limps when he walks outside for more than ten minutes. His paw pads literally peel/melt/disappear from his flesh. He is certainly no country pup.

Quote of the Day

Grandpa: "I drove tanks in the war for fun. I would go in and out of ditches, and let me tell you, you really lose your kishka's doing that."

Me: "I'm sure."

Grandpa: "But I wouldn't drive a tank now. Not for fun, not even if anyone really needed me to. You know, I'm not a kid anymore."

Me: "I don't think you need to worry about that. The government won't be giving you a tank to ride anytime soon."

Friday, August 14, 2009


I like to play the "Let's Let Awnings Determine My State Of Mind Game." But not in Manhattan. Only in chipper beach towns.

Quote of the Day

: “Everyone should just be grateful that they are even allowed to talk to me.”

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Toilet Praying

Let me first just say that she comes by this naturally, I had all sorts of weird tics as a kid, tons of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, like praying to God a certain way, with very specific words, over and over again, EVERY TIME I SAT ON THE TOILET, that he protect our house from a giant, falling meteor.
What can I say. It worked!
There are so many things that I have blocked out of my memory from childhood. And it isn't that I block out all bad memories, or all good ones, as there seems to be no rhyme or reason to this forgetfulness. But as I was reading Heather Armstrong's post about neurosis, I was immediately brought back to mine.

Sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, talking to G-d. Why I never kneeled at the foot of my bed? I couldn't tell you. Why I summoned him by a toilet instead of near an open field of blossoming flowers? Not a clue. I can't even remember my reasoning behind it. I wish I could sit here and say it was at the center of my home where I felt most secure. Or I only allowed myself to open up in complete privacy, and who would interrupt me in the bathroom? But the truth is, I have hundreds of these little idiosyncrasies, and this is another. At one point, I must have spoken to my higher power on the toilet, and it became a habit. Something I did compulsively, until I suddenly didn't. I can't tell you how strange it is to realize someone was doing the exact same thing. Actually, I wonder how many toilet prayers there are from adolescent girls asking for who knows what.

Dear G-d, why does Billy not like me?

Dear Aly, it's because you are talking to yourself on a toilet. Daily.

The real question is why did I ever stop? And will I remember next time I am in there?


I was so distracted by trying to snap a picture and keep both dogs from pulling on the leash and breaking my pointer, that I failed to notice I was walking on an angle. Not to mention that this angle was a sidewalk tilting me towards jagged rocks and the polluted waters surrounding this town I love so much. Thankfully, my finger is stronger than my sense of balance.

Quote of the Day

Jordan: “What are razzles? You old fart.”

Me: “They were these hard candies I loved, that turned into gum.”

Jordan: “Oh, wow, oldddd. Those were Regan’s favorite, too.”

Jordan: “Omg. You were serious.”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Heartwarming Tail

Leave it to Lauren to send me something so overwhelmingly sweet, that the only way to purge yourself is to cry. I mean, thanks.

A mother with a ten year old son and a 21 year old son, the elder with debilitating Down Syndrome, found a tan stray terrier, she allowed herself to keep it until his owner was found. He became a part of the family, saved the older son's life, and enabled his original owner to make a decision that most are never faced with, and even fewer would be strong enough to do.

The gift of love is so rarely public, that it winds up sounding cliche. But it's so necessary to surviving day to day life. If anyone ever finds one of my dogs stray, just know a quiet night is about the biggest miracle you can expect...


They just don't stop and smell the roses.
But show them a hydrant, and they are enraptured.

Quote of the Day

Maury: “Prejudice is so ‘80’s.”

Me: “Yeah, thank G-d we live in 2009 where there is no such thing as prejudice!”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A Pic A Day For Baby's First Year

People often ask me why I don't entirely get rid of my AOL account. It's sooooo 1996! And they are right. But does gmail give me sometimes random and useless "news" tidbits? I can never leave you, AOL. My devotion to you is as steadfast as your devotion to your current format. Which leads me to this very cute 2 minute video of a baby's life, through one snapshot a day, in his first year. If this isn't the first thing everyone wants to see when they wake up, then, ummm, maybe they have more going on in their homes than I do.


This is one of more self-explanatory snapshots. Is it weird that when I saw it, I thought: "That's the cutest thing I've seen in a month?"

Quote of the Day

Alex: “Eating veal to me is like cheating on your wife and having it be not good.”

Monday, August 10, 2009

The 100 Best Movie Lines...

...In only 200 seconds!

"You can't handle the truth."


This bush I found on a walk along the Hudson River, and I was struck by how it was literally uprooting itself to lean closer to the water. Interestingly enough, for half of this weekend, I felt exactly the same way! My body woke up against my will to chug a glass of water in a half stumbling sleep, as my sunburn knew no mercy.

Quote of the Day

Alex: “Yeah, you learn something new everyday… At least from me!”

Saturday, August 8, 2009


I am thinking that the only thing worse than my new friend, Bright Red Painful Sunburn, is the women at this party looking at me saying, "Aaawwwwwwww, you poor thing!"

Now, I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate the concern. I do. But the Aaawwwwwww- with all of those extra syllables, they are more than just some emphasis. Someone just gave me an "Aaaawww" that lasted about 20 seconds. Please say this outloud to yourself and hold the count for twenty seconds. See? It's just uncomfortable, lady!

So, I moved away, towards my little cousin, Joey, thinking I could get a reprieve from my sunburn being the topic of conversation. Because, after all, I need no reminding with the searing thighs of fire blazing into my pants.

Joey: "You should really watch yourself. That burn you have there, that is definitely going to give you cancer."

Happy birthday, Joey!

P.S.: I had on waterproof 55 SPF on my body, and SPF 85 on my face, but I guess my fourteen year old cousin knows more than Aveno.

Friday, August 7, 2009


And now, the moment I have been anxiously awaiting all.week.long:
Where I get to show the world that my mother and dogter look alike!

Quote of the Day


Him: "How many electoral votes does Rhode Island have?"

Her: "I don't know."

Him: "Right, so shut up."

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Commercial Time

A friend of mine sent me a link to the Top Most Racist Commercials . (Courtesy of Flumesday.) Before I actually looked through the videos, I thought that I would pass them along to all of you, but then, I watched a few of them. I am so sick of "racist" being funny, when there is nothing particularly humorous involved.

So, in the vain of trying to steer today into a clean, happy, loving environment, I thought I would hippie us all out with a Lollapalooza 2009 commercial. Do I want to see Tool, The Killers, Vampire Weekend, Jane's Addiction, and Kings of Leon? YES! Am I way, way too unmotivated to get my ass over to Chicago this weekend to see it? YES! Thank gooooodness I am not too unmotivated to sit on my couch in front of my TV. I love how modern day conveniences can make me feel as if I am ever actually accomplishing something.

And to be a total bitch about this show, why is Snoop Dogg performing in the show? He has no relevance whatsoever, and all of these HIPPIE SUMMER concerts keep allowing him to waste time. SIGH. NOW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT SOME EFFORT FORTH AND FAST FORWARD! Damn you, Snoopy the Dog rapper face. A few interviews if it's your thang:


While this may not be the most flattering pose, it's a Marley favorite position.

Quote of the Day

: “What is that? Elephantitis? That's a thing, you know…”

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


"This car ride is wiping me out! It's hard work surfing on grandma's lap instead of laying on the cozy dog bed they made for me on the floor. Don't they know by now that I prefer my dog bed to be made on a lap? How slow are these people?"

Quote of the Day

"This here is a run out the plot situation."

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Meat Cards

I wish I was making this up, but "These business cards have 2 ingredients. Meat and lasers."


You know you've failed as a mother when your daughter has no interest in entertainment magazines. They're called "entertainment" for a reason, Marley!

Quote of the Day

A.L.: “Would you like a sugar free rice pudding by jello?”

A.H.: “No, that’s disgusting. That is processed and it kills you in a year.... But thanks for offering.”

Monday, August 3, 2009


Can You Hold Me Closer?

Each day this week, I am going to be sharing a photo of my mother with Marley from our weekend away in the Poconos. On Friday, there are two pictures to share, both in which my puppy and my mother resemble each other strongly. Not to worry! They are great pictures. Because anyone who can look so regal and distinguished and classy as my dog should feel honored. I kid. But seriously, I can only get away with this, because my mother and computers don't mesh. My mother and technology don't mesh. She can only speak on speaker phone with her cell phone, her idea of savvy internet browsing is successfully signing into her AOL account, and her home computer's been broken for about ten years and she still doesn't know.

It's a good thing she can pull off the "Marley," or I'd have some serious concerns.

Quote of the Day

Me: “You wanna come to the gym with me in the morning?”

Jordan: “I can't. You go way too early.”

Me: “It’s great. No one’s there.”

Jordan: “Well, I like the audience. What can I say?”