Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mojo Look-a-like On An Escalator

Thanks, Dooce!

Quote of the Day

Me: "I can pass for a senior in high school, if I tried."

Melissa: "Alrighty..."

Me: "I totes magotes can, for real, man."

Melissa: "What?"

Me: "I'm speaking like a teen. You're too old to recognize how hip I am."

Melissa: "Or you're too old to recognize that is not hip. Where do you get your information from?"

Me: "Movies? JUNO!"

Melissa: "Oh, boy..."

Me: "I am Hip. Hip Hop. Hip Hop Anonymous. And I am nothing if not relevant."

Friday, March 25, 2011

Chocolate Shake From Heaven

Chayvone: Aly, I need your honest opinion on something. How was the McCafe shake?

Me: Honestly, it was a cup of HEAVEN on this Planet. And to be honest some more, I am upset that I am not having one right now. I would give up food for that shake. HEAVEN.

Chayvone: SWEEET! I'm going to go indulge in HEAVEN on EARTH!

Me: I wish I was smart enough to think of that, before I wasted my calories on this stupid salad.

Soon after...

Chayvone: Words can't explain the great sensation that is flowing through me with this GREAT ICE CREAM CONCOCTION... I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN... I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!

I'm a pusher.


I'm feeling a little bit like David Sedaris' brain today. No offense, David Sedaris. See? I wasn't even sure where I should be putting the apostrophe in that first sentence. Dave would know.

"We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail."

"Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That said, is it crazier to repeatedly throw yourself against a window, or to repeatedly open that window, believing the creatures that are throwing themselves against it might come into your house, take a look around, and leave with no hard feelings?"

"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My B-Fri Can Fry!

So this is what it looks like when your best friend comes over. Lets herself in long before you are even stepping off the bus. Starts cooking.

(Self-reminder: Cooking is that thing that you for some unknown reason just do not do. You know, with heat and fire and metal and flavors. And not the metal that comes really thin and semi-glued on top of that chocolate mousse pudding cup. Also, it is not the act of slicing up a head of romaine lettuce and throwing some dressing on it. Yes, the mixing is tedious. No, it still doesn't count.)

Risking sacrificing her sinus cavity and pulls in her pants, this is love.

Thank you!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

About Charlie- Not Sheen

So last night, or technically this morning, at 1:30 AM, my right calf got a really bad charlie horse. I jumped up to walk on it and stretch it out- which has always worked for me. Well, it did not. So I tried hobbling over to the computer and fell and cried because now it was going on five minutes of sheer pain. And I don't really care if I am a baby. I mean, I do. I would love to be tougher, but apparently, when you age as rapidly as I do, other normal functions like pain receptors in the body become hyper-sensitive. So yeah, I cried. Cute side note: Marley was laying next to me on the floor whimpering or whining in unison with me. I think she thought we were howling for extra dinner or something.

I hobbled over to the computer on my knees and typed in something like: "how get ridd of keg cramps?" And Google did not let me down. Some of the results did. Do you know that one in four people over the age of fifty experience leg cramps often, averaging three nights a week? And once you get to over the age of eighty, it's about fifty percent of the people? How am I going to jump out of bed when my leg is seizing in pain at 80 years of age? Through my superb math skills, I guesstimate that to be the equivalent of an average person's 145. If I jump on my leg, the bones could just turn to powder. Does powder cramp?

After twelve minutes, the cramp subsided. TWELVE MINUTES. In cramp terms, that's like 3 weeks, easy. I was so emotionally drained from trying to think how I could get down my stairs and drive with my right cramping leg in the passenger seat while my clutzy left leg jerked it's way to the emergency room. I slept like a drugged baby.

And speaking of drugs, and clutsy.... I wake up this morning with not only a limp, but a super sexy waddle. Turns out that the universe thought that I could get to work still fairly easily with just a painful-to-the-touch limping calf leg. So why not give me my pre-menstrual lower back cramps? That should slow me down! So I gingerly make my way into the kitchen, trying to not think of myself as a zombie extra from The Walking Dead, and I ever so gracefully knock my new bottle of Excedrin Menstrual Complete behind my stove. And no, that is not an endorsement, Yes, the pills work really well, but why would they make the bottle so standardized and disgustingly easy to knock behind my oven? I can't move my oven- I can barely move myself! So I made the executive decision of not taking anything at all until I could get to the store because it wouldn't work as well. I waddled and limped my way across midtown, hobbled down the escalator and bought Potassium pills, Excedrin menstrual pills and was going to joke with the cashier about where the guns were hiding, but I think there was a solid 25% chance that he would have just lifted his shirt. And then I would have needed the new underwear aisle as well.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Whatever Happened To Ingenuity?

I found a link for a beer belly for purchase on Amazon. HERE. Here's to hoping that this would be purchased for funny disguises and Halloween outfits. When you want to dress up as. Um. This guy.

And I understand not wanting to grow your own. Do you know how much beer costs these days?! But what upsets me is that this exists. Whatever happened to a stuffed pillowcase? Or a large water balloon. Or a beanie stuffed animal, a young child, my Yorkie before a haircut, the cuttings scooped up from a full day's work at Supercuts, garbage, nuclear waste in a ziploc bag. How many things can I come up with in moments? And some people just point and click? Belly Fail.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Strawberry Cheesecake Jell-O Time!

(150) Calories.

Forget dessert. This just became my new favorite breakfast food! Thank you, Jell-O temptations. And this has not been a paid endorsement. Because if they were paying me, I would insist on all Jell-O cups and I would be too covered in pudding-y goodness to risk gunking up my keyboard - further.

P.S. Don't buy too many, as I want them.

P.P.S. If you go in with low expectations, you will be thrilled. If you go in with high expectations, you will merely be satisfied.

P.P.P.S. Jell-O, if you are reading this, I was only kidding about not accepting cash.

Butter: More Than Just A Heart Attack

So good news, The South. You don't need to go to Walmart to get any fire extinguishers. Just throw your top few refrigerator shelves at the flames.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Quote Of The Day

Roxanna (24 years old): "I named my dog Layla. And apparently, I don't know if you know this, but there is an Eric Clapton song called Layla."

*I feel ancient.

Japan's 8.9 Earthquake

I am sending out my warm wishes and prayers to those already affected and those still waiting to be affected by Japan's 8.9 killer Earthquake that has caused massive Tsunami's to go through Hawaii and start penetrating the entire West Coast of the United States. It can be easy for these words to become desensitized. Earthquakes by the Pacific Ocean. Tsunami's starting in Asia. Rain falling from dark clouds. It is, thankfully, sometimes difficult to imagine the magnitude of natural disasters. Do you know what I do when one of the lanes in the Lincoln Tunnel is shut down because of a fender bender? I try to determine that the accident did, in fact, have no fatalities. Then I wonder how it could be physically possible that there isn't someone with more that 19 brain cells in their head that can get a third lane to merge with two active ones. How come all three lanes stop moving when only the left one has a delay? Then I text or call work. Maybe a friend or two to try and see where they are stuck or if they were one of the lucky ones that escaped the frenzy.

It really is unfathomable to imagine water slamming into our streets and lifting up cars and entire houses and demolishing bridges. Forget about trying to wrap my head around losing someone, or many someone's. To help better visualize, or memorialize, and to never trivialize, the LA Times has put together this amazing photographic compilation, on a dime, might I had.

A tried and true welcome place for donations: The Red Cross.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

An Easy No.

So I was perusing Media Life, came upon this article and wanted to share this excerpt:

Finally, in this morning's last bit of Sheen news, the actor is hiring an intern. His ad on internships.com promises an eight-week paid gig this summer to someone who is "all about winning." The job will include increasing Sheen's followers on Twitter, which now number 2.35 million.
Can you imagine being the parent of the kid who gets hired for that job? The list of reminders you'd need to run down each morning would probably be as exhausting as just entirely monitoring them during the day in person. Don't touch the hookers! Don't use the bathroom! Stay away from things that say baby powder, baking soda, ash, salt, sugar, powdered sugar, and definitely coke! Don't listen to your employer, don't let him touch you! And remember: it's not about winning; this is a lose-lose scenario.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

If You Pay In Full...

So I just got this incredible email from my Chase Slate credit card account. It went beyond the limits of ordinary stupidity that I have become immune to and just accept as a major part of life. Basically, this truly unique credit card is now not only explaining to me how if I were to pay my entire credit card balance at once, I would avoid interest charges; it is also offering me the opportunity to do just that! I should go ahead and close all of my other accounts with any other credit card, because all of the others would never let me pay my full balance at once.

What's that? They allow you to pay as much as you want? You can even pay over the amount that you owe and have any overage act as a balance credit in your account? Well, the all of the other credit cards must charge you interest even when the whole balance is paid in full.

Oh, yeah? Well, then, hmmm... Do those credit cards work in stores, too? Are they made out of plastic and have this really cute rectangular box on the back that you can choose to sign your very own name in? Do other credit cards send you REALLY stupid emails?