Thursday, May 29, 2008

In All of Your Glory

I love the internet. The information highway. But I bet a lot of people sit in front of this magical window of opportunity and play it safe. We've got no time to waste, people!

Here is a guide to Write A Pathetic Personal Ad!

Step 1: Post a sassy glamour shot, preferrably from the late '80s.
Step 2: Drown yourself in a bewitching boa. It's hot.
Step 3: Recent photos? Why bother? Go back and cut and/or scratch out your ex.
Step 4: Keep us guessing. Choose blurry photos.
Step 5: Strike a pose.
Step 6: Choose from the following list of clich├ęs. (These are amazing)
Step 7: Waste everyone's precious time with painfully obvious bullshit.
Step 8: After joining a dating service, make it clear you do not intend to date.
Step 9: Make sure to tell us you're thick in all the right places.
Step 10: If you have children, mention that you actually care about them.
Step 11: Remember, playing the victim is sexy. Let us know you're fresh out of a shitty relationship.
Step 12: Punctuation is completely optional.
Step 13: Ramble incoherently.
Step 14: Misspell your profession, so as not to arouse any suspicion that you remotely give a shit about what you do.
Step 15: Why go to the extreme hassle of spelling words such as "to", "you" and "one"? Substitute them with single letters and numbers.
Step 16: Please, please, please quote unoriginal poetry such as Robert Frost or Jewel.
Step 17: Cuddling is a highly specialized and sought-after skill. Weed out the incompetent fools by mentioning it at least four times.
Step 18: Nice guys unite! While you're waiting for your testicles to descend, whine incessantly about how girls walk all over you.
Step 19: Set yourself apart from those cafeteria Christians by informing us that your relationship with J.C. is in fact personal.
Step 20: Finally, do not under any circumstances double check your ad. Remember, we're going for spoteae~ui#ty.

A star!


I've been in cleaning mode for about four months now. And sometimes, a lot, that means that there will be piles of almost garbage lying somewhere that things shouldn't be placed. Those things wait in limbo, for me to get annoyed enough to get rid of them, more than anything, because they do not belong there. Before anything gets tossed, I think- Will I miss this? If I get rid of it now, will I throw myself on the ground, limbs flailing in ninety five days when I could possibly need an extra CD book for my potentially new second car for a road trip when I won't possibly have time to stop at a store and spend $4.99? Well, I better hold on to that until I can be good and sure.

Among my refuge in wait, I found a stack of neatly printed writings with my name on top. Packets of three, four, ten pages, stapled together and I finally read through them. Does it surprise me that I blocked out smaller writing assignments from high school? Not really. If I had my way, I would probably block out all four years, the bad, the sad, the worse, and the decent. I wish whoever had assigned these mini-papers to me had required me to put the name of the class on it, or the teacher's name, because I am curious to know who I spilled my guts to every week and why. I wrote about family discord, social hierarchy's, financial strains and responsibilities, the ever-mounding stress of wanting to find myself as a person, student, future member of society.

It was all so serious! I could have written about mounds of goose poop that infiltrated our school field every single morning without fail. I could have written about my gym teacher, who even though she had just gotten married to a male gym teacher, had still wound up putting a rainbow flag on her bumper. I could have written about my always entertaining babysitting perils. But I didn't. I poured my heart out, albeit an adolescent heart pumping with hormones and lack of sleep. And my feedback for each paper was a star inside of a circle. A star. Thank you, teacher of inspiration. You just helped me move some papers into the trash.

Quote of the Day

Carrie: "Be one with nature!! Be green, save Planet Earth. Hippies are awesome."
Me: "I'm a hippie in air conditioning, thank you very much."

Carrie The Torturer




Snapshot

                                                     Praying to her Sun God.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Snapshot

This tiny budding flower reminded me of the beginning of warmer days and sunshine. But try as I might, the very thing I was trying to focus on was what kept showing up blurry.

Sound familiar?

Quote of the Day

Alex: "Everyone can wait ten minutes for my health. You know what? I'm worth it."

Tree, Interrupted

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Want My Money...

You must watch this:

Better Than Madison Avenue

This is Madison. She is stunning. I told some people this weekend that if I could have a seventy five pound dog where I live, I would trade my dogs in a heartbeat.




That was a lie. But almost.

Snapshot

Don't be scared of pitbulls! Be scared of pitbulls driving school buses.

Shades of Gray

Isn't life amazing in black and white?
And then in full color, you realize all of those shells are actually people's bottle tops, foil wrappers, and washed up memories.

Quote of the Day

Ben: "If you find any meth, it's not mine."
Julia: "What's meth? Is it like perfume?"

Cupcakes=Memorial Day


Ornaments are for Christmas, dreidels for Chanukah, bunnies for Easter, flags for the Fourth of July. And I learned this weekend that a Memorial Day gathering is nothing without cupcakes!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Jersey Represent!

I remember hearing about a state where it is illegal to hold hands in public once you were married. Another state has a law against unmarried women walking barefoot in the street anywhere near a man. Yet another has a law against keeping ice cream in your back pocket. And I love learning about these states, and their antiquated laws for their simple folk. It is then that I overlook the Turnpike stench and bottleneck traffic to get home to an overpriced piece of "property." Thank goodness the great state of New Jersey steers clear of such laughable laws.

I was wrong. Here are some of New Jersey's "Laws":


#1 It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
(Of course, the man catches the fish, and the woman knits it a sweater?)

#2 You may not slurp your soup.
(In the land of blaring horns and middle fingers, it's hugely important to mind your manners.)

#3 If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
(Right. Because the state can better watch over you with their own random choosing of letters vs. your name.)

#4 It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
(So, next time one comes at me, I will leap from my car, arms out jazz-hand-style and grin awkwardly. That should go over well.)

#5 On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
(Duh, people! Under the bridge is for trolls and Anthony Kiedis shooting up!)

#6 Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
(It is not good to lie and cheat people on what could possibly be their holy day. Just the other six days of the week when G-d is sleeping.)

#7 You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
(Fist pumping is more important.)

#8 Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
(Riiiight. Because I am sure New Jersey drivers won't mind driving at 1 mile an hour as their car's get crapped on.)

#9 It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
(They better be clearly marked as such, or detaining they shall experience.)

In Bernards Township:
#10 It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone."
(Note: Zoloft use is at an all-time high in Bernards Township. High. Hehehe.)

In Caldwell:
#11 You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
(Streaking naked is a-okay, but don't you dare put shorts on! Are you dancing? There's no dancing in Caldwell!)

In Cranford:
#12 Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
(Boats are for that there water, mmmkay?)

In Cresskill:
#13 All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
(Why is this? Because they are killers. They are outside to give their owner's dander-free air for however long they can take it. I will help enforce this one, for sure.)

In Elizabeth:
#14 It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
(I have been in Elizabeth, and maybe they should enforce wearing clothes under the petticoat and not charging ten dollars an hour for doing such.)

In Manville:
#15 It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
(You go, you ville of man's! You keep your booze and smokes for yourselves.)

In Newark:
#16 It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
(Note to purveyors of illicit drugs, prostitution, and weapons: No doctor's note is needed.)

In Ocean City:
#17 Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.
(Pinball machines are the devil's plaything!)

#18 Raw hamburger may not be sold.
(Hamburger meat? Fine. Hamburger? Jail!)

In Raritan:
#19 Profanity is prohibited.
(Remind me to NEVER go to Raritan!)

In Sea Isle City:
#20 There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
(Thankfully, I don't live there. Am I right?)

In Trenton:
#21 Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
(Because pickles look like......)

#22 You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.
(Throw your garbage in the street, but please treat your bad pickles with the respect they deserve: full burial.)

Quote of the Day

Alex to me:

"I trust you...... I-can't-believe-my-mouth-could-form-those-words."

Snapshot


We should all use this as a tutorial to teach us all how to push our tongues out of the way, you know, when it's just too much trouble to keep it placed centered in our mouths. 

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Snapshot

"Obviously, it's only fair, if you get the bone, I get the butt."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Take Anything You Want

I'm not quite sure what disturbs me more: The bra strap zoom ins or the everything.

Snapshot

This was taken last weekend when I time travelled back to the 50's. I saw Marty McFly at the Soda Shoppe (where we each ordered vanilla milkshakes and wondered aloud why places like our favorite Barber Shop won't survive in the future.)

Quote of the Day

Alex: "Oooooh, I found a weakness. And when I find a weakness, I exploit it."

Musings....

This was sent to be my a coworker, and it brought together two very silly websites....

The first, Stuff White People Like. The second, Black People Love Us
What a world this web weaves.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Snapshot



"You're insipid. You bore me. I squint at you. Can't.seem.to.look.away."

Quote of the Day

A.H.: "The rope with you is so short that if I was in an 80 foot ditch, I'd have to reach up 79 feet to get your help. It's unfair, so you put it in your pipe and smoke it."




**This is wildly untrue. Maybe 78 feet, but cut me some slack.

Time Flies When You're Driving By





















I love when poignancy peers in from the last place you'd expect it to. As I thoughtlessly take pictures of a favorite street as I drive down it, I get struck with the notion that life keeps picking up speed. As a young child, time goes so slowly that each night, the idea of bedtime evokes panic in nine out of ten children. (Do you like my statistics? Very scientific, there.) Eight hours of time is an eternity! It is a prison sentence that will be repeated daily. 

In high school, classes dragged and winter lasted for about 19 months. I learned how fast time could fly though, every Friday night quickly morphed into Monday morning homeroom, and every June break immediately became back-to-school shopping on the first of September. 

In college, the pace of life picked up. Studying for midterms blended in with studying for finals, and it felt like we were all packing for our semester breaks far too frequently. Three months of work earned three credits per class and then that class, no matter what the subject, became personal history. Planning a weekend getaway instantly turned into scrap-booking those pictures you took months and months to develop and remembering how great that weekend was. That impromptu drive across four states will never happen again.

Post-college life, and weeks blending together turn into months. I appreciate every season, even in the painfully icy cold, because it's life is short and I know I will yearn for it in a moment when it's ninety seven degrees and my mascara can only drip down my cheeks. I don't dread the Spring when my eyes will itch, and my sneezes go on for days, because I can ignore an itch here and there, but I choose not to ignore bright green leaves and budding flowers and my re-aquaintance with flip-flops.

My dogs seem to get older in record time, and that is without the milestones that I will have slapping me in the face every day with children. No first words, steps, fights, loves, tuitions, marriages... Each decade quantifies so drastically, that I am actually worried that thirty will turn into forty five will turn into seventy will turn into a little old woman rocking in her chair warmly reminiscing on her past ninety years of regret and love and pride and happiness. There's no use in worrying though, it's coming. I may be at thirty miles an hour now, but the trees keep getting blurrier and the speed is picking up.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Centipede vs. The Scorpion

I have always wondered which bug would prevail is a good ol' fashioned throw down.

And here it is.

Wow.

Redneck Best Of's

A friend sent me a whole slew of "You Might Be A Redneck If...." pictures, and a few made me smile.....
A Redneck Weather Station:  
Redneck Gingerbread House:
Redneck Doorbell: (Although I'm totally looking into this for a few people....)
Redneck Interview:




Snapshot



Does it even matter what they sell? I'll take ten bucks worth, please.

Say It With Me

 
ALPHA KENNY BODY

~Say it out loud, slowly. When you realize what you said, share with your loved ones.~

Quote of the Day

Oh, A.H.: ""Just take the first layer of skin off and see what happens."

Friday, May 16, 2008

Perfect Workstations

The perfect workstation would definitely involve perma-massagers, a fan to keep the air around me always moving (and wind-swept hair is a plus), an attached water cooler with shaved ice chips waiting cooly on a side somewhere... I am sure I could think of more, but it's a start. And since that does err on the side of unrealistic, here are some very doable ones:

~The Nethrone- Where your only concern will be keeping those baby blues open.

~The ErgoQuest- Where leaving your bed just to get work done is a thing of the past.

~The Battle-Rig-Pro- For those of us who will always be convinced that if there was a way to combine workstations with arcade games, life will be complete.

~The PCE- I'm pretty sure this was created to satisfy dentist-lovers with a lot of work to get done.

and my favorite:

~The LifeFitness- This is so the term "sitting on my butt and surfing the web" can no longer be applied. I'd no longer have to choose between exercise and the internet, I could choose cable on my couch.

Here is BornRich's top ten picks.

Quote of the Day

The T-Man: "You're rockin' the righteous whip today, man."

oh man.

Snapshot

                                                      Gotta Getta Gund!
No, really, listen to me. He may look like a Gund, but that is where the similarities end. Go to your nearest toy store, buy the closest plush animal you can find, bring it home, and realize you have just escaped a hectic fate.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Quote of the Day


                       Me: "I hate that you fit on that couch so well."
                                Carrie: "Jealous?? I am a midget!"


Crocodile!!

I was thinking she looked like a lizard, but I couldn't place which one. Not a salamander, not a gecko, not an iguana......
                                                A baby crocodile!!

Chiropractically Speaking...





















As most people in my life now, I have been experiencing painful back episodes lately. Technically, my back has been out of commission four times in the past two years. Not too bad, right? Well, on closer inspection, my back has been out three times in the past five months, so that starts to add up. I've tried back strengthening exercises, specific daily stretches, physical therapy, and complete avoidance of lifting anything heavier than a light bowling ball. Still, I found myself practically incapacitated, and in excruciating pain, and I cannot deal. Finally, I listened to my mother, grandmother, aunt, and great-aunt and see this "miracle worker" of a chiropractor. (Maybe wondering where I inherited back problems can come to a halt now.)

His office was a walk-up, and anyone who has had bac back pain knows stairs may not be the best route. His office was small and clean, but noticeably without windows. And instead of paying for good lighting to compensate, there were cut-outs in each room, in the dropped ceiling panels of course. And inside those cut-outs? Faux plastic clouds. Those sky-lights sure had me fooled. As I wait in the six person waiting room, with nobody else around, I have reservations? Can I trust a man with my sensitive and inflamed spine who actually thinks his "sky lights" are okay?

In his office, he was polite and professional and then the pain started. He manipulated my spine so minutely, and caused so much pain, I would have left if it didn't feel like the whole bottom of my back was crazy glued to the adjustment table. (Yay for back spasms!) As I pathetically flipped sides so that my face was planted in between sheets of tissue paper facing the ground, he placed his open palm against my thigh and pushed his thumb into the flesh of my butt. Hello! He lingered there for an awkward few minutes. I have gone to chiropractor's before, so this was new and alarming. And as he moved his hand away, I breathed a sigh of relief only to feel one of his hands on either side of my hips. He jerked my jeans and underwear off of me and pulled them down to the top of my thighs. He squirted on the "blue-goo" and rubbed an ultra-sound machine all over my butt and lower back for a few minutes. That was followed by him delicately scraping the blue-goo off of me for at least two minutes and then wiping me off.

The rest of my night was followed by worsening pains, and a palpable remorse. Then I woke up this morning hugely better than I was yesterday.

Is it better to be fully respected or fully recovered?........

I made a second appointment for tomorrow.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Quote of the Day

Alex: "You know, you give a homeless person a job and then..... Where'd you find this one? A bus terminal?"

Language Of The World

My practically estranged ex-stepfather's younger sister (phew) lives a glamorous life. She moved to Israel as a young adult and has lived there for far too long, as far as I'm concerned. She is stunningly beautiful, has travelled the world, speaks multiple languages, and opens her front door onto one of the most spectacular beaches on Earth. Her career had always eluded me. She is a videographer? A documentarian? I always knew she followed her dreams, and she always acted as an inspiration for me to do the same, but I technically never knew what she did specifically.

I finally get an Israeli music video she created sent in to me. And I love it. Thought I'd share the wealth.


Snapshot

     YAWNING is contagious. Right? She could totally make the front page.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Quote of the Day

Me: "I'm gonna sub your fries for salad."
Alex: "Yeah? I'm gonna punch you in the eye. I'm gonna sub your eyes for holes."

Today should now be known as National Salad Day. Mark your calendars.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Is Waiting Worth It?

I am not the shining example of patience, I will fully admit it. Once something creeps into my brain, it takes over like an obsessive cancer and literally seeps into every thought until it is purchased/accomplished/acted out. It's not my proudest attribute, but I fail to compartmentalize my brain... so, everything gets melded into one big ball of life. And a new idea is the dominant color every time. 

As everyone knows, technology is always changing. As you are waiting for your newest and best to be delivered, it's being disregarded and tossed into clearance bins. 1 gig turns into 4 and 4 pounds become one. I used to try and wait out my purchases, just three more weeks and then I should finally buy that camera. Just one more year, and then that Ipod will be able to hold 800,000 songs and sing me lullabies out loud while I fall asleep. Wait seven months and your exact car will be more fuel efficient, and can track where you and each member of your family are at all hours of the day. It's incredible, really. 

When I was patiently waiting to buy my camera, this was a common example conversation:

Check out girl: "Paper or plastic?"
Me: (in my head) "My camera would be so awesome right now. Do you see the way the light is shining on that window? I want my camera, I want to..."
Check out girl: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Either is fine. I'm getting a camera. Thanks. Have a great day."

So, my public plea:  When I do finally buy something, please don't let me know it's been immediately outdated, over-performed, and under-valued.  Today, as I was setting up my brand new phone that I have needed for far too long, someone sends me this link.

Oh, the pain. 

Snapshot

"If you insist on taking my picture, I will protest the only logical way I can. I shall give you part stink-eye, part tongue sticking out, and 100% annoyance."

Quote of the Day

Clare: "Yeah, I feel bad for women in prison. I feel like they're all there for self-defense. You know, because they killed some guy."

I should have realized...

It started out with me thinking, "What a pretty lil' thing." Perfectly posed and poised, funny little white whiskers sticking out...
Then, this cat shows up. He might look angry at the world, but I truly believe that's just what his face was created to look like. A fair warning to keep away. I did not heed.
I mistook this pudgy porker for sweet, maybe because he so clearly indulges in sweets. I can now see he was not blankly staring out into oblivion, but actually staring me down, wishing me ill will.
Finally, I caught this guy staring at me. His attempt to share contempt with me was not subtle. I left. Evacuated, really. But not before they were able to get their poisonous dander in my lungs. I still can't take a full breath in. If I only I had just seen this guy to begin with, I could have known they meant business. Cat business.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Note: Remember For Wedding.

Contrary to popular belief, every woman has not spent her entire life fantasizing about intricate details of their future wedding. I'm sure many do, don't get me wrong, but not everyone. For instance, I have always had hugely varying ideas about what a wedding would entail for me. Getting married at a posh Manhattan hotel, a beach wedding with ocean as far as the eye can see, renting out a bed and breakfast somewhere on a coast in New England. I have had dreams of multi-colored wild flowers in no particular order or shape one year, and currently live in the deep, rich red roses neatly placed together phase. And my ideas on wedding cakes seem to change every single time I sit down to a wedding cake special on TV.

A friend of a friend told me about this spectacular wife/husband photography duo who take breathtaking wedding pictures. And then she sent me the link. Mike and Bobbi are definitely going to be hired for my wedding. Here is their blog:  AMAZING. And I don't mind that there is no groom yet, or that the idea of marriage seems so far off in the distance, fathoming any details is difficult. Because I have picked out my photographers. So, while some people will be planning their nuptial dates around family events, holidays, and mortgages, I have decided to work around Bobbi and Mike.

I hope they don't read this and get scared. I love you.

Quote of the Day

As I started reading a joke out loud:

Me: "What's the difference between men and pigs?
Julia: "Their feet?"

Snapshot

This might appear to be normal at first glance. Glance again. Marley's giving me the stink eye. Eye see you.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Quote of the Day

Julia: "I hate the sound of laughter sometimes. Like right now."

Snapshot

  I call this "Namaste." There's no word to explain how great it is to lay out on some grass and touch the ground. Grounding. There's one.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Cone Removal

I took Marley's "cone" off. Her e-collar had been on for a little over three weeks when it was relayed to me that it needed to be on for only a few days. But I'm sorry, Miss Veterinarian, you. You just made almost 800 dollars, I am going to err on the side of caution when it comes to risking eye injury this month.

I expected a lot of things when I took off this contraption. For one, I fully anticipated her eagerly lapping up water, as I have seen her slam around water bowls for almost a month. I expected her to roll around on the bed and explore the new found freedom of itching her neck. What I did not expect was to witness a fully vocal conversation between her and Mojo.

For the next 30 minutes- solid- I had to mute the television and ignore calls, because thing one and thing two were respectfully taking turns speaking, yelling, and contemplating each other's arguments. Never have I witnessed more human-like conversing go on between two animals. I was amused, then wished I had a camera to share with nay-sayers. Then, when I realized a big piece of my night was spent unwillingly listening to them say a whole lot of nothing at all, I was out of patience.

And we continue to forge through her terrible two's. (Speaking of, there is a band called "Terrible Two's" that was put on a CD in my car without me knowing. My advice: check it out. You will laugh. Maybe cry, but still worth it. My favorite song:  "A Rake, A Broom, A Mop, A Shovel."   I couldn't make it up if I tried.)


Quote of the Day

A.H.:  ""Now I sound like Bush. That sounds like an over-redundification, heh heh."

Snapshot

                                Mold? Mildew? Warped Paint? Yes, please!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Buddha-ful Phone!

I know I've put off the inevitable Blackberry for long enough, but this just seems so much better:




"Still hungry for more spirituality? Satisfy yourself with the religious symbols running all over the phone and the serene Buddha himself embossed on the back. For now, everything else about this Nokia such as the pricing and availability remain as mysterious as the Enlightened One himself."

Beauty and the Bread Beast

This guy gets all the bread!
He only has eyes for her?

She looks off sweetly into the distance....

Friday, May 2, 2008

Snapshot

Everything looks better as fireworks, even traffic onto the George Washington Bridge.

Quote of the Day

While staring at Alex...

Julia: "I was wondering why you were huffing so loudly with your nose air."

Monty


First, Monterey Jack Cheese investigates the straw. Then, he viciously attacks it. Some would say he "cats" it.

Starer Beware....


I meant to put this up for Easter, but better late than never!