I want to be then.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Discussing what to order for lunch at a diner, and then…
Tristan: "By the way, mommy, you can’t hire me. Cuz I can’t do work and school.”
Maureen: “Why would I hire you?”
Tristan: “Cuz I’m smart and know a lot of things and I’m a really good help.”
Maureen: “I didn’t know you were thinking of the position.”
Tristan: (Long pause) “Yeah, and you don’t even know where the blue print store is.”
(F.Y.I.: There is no open position, and there is no blue print store.)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Krystena: "So, I thought I was gonna be so late for work today 'cuz I was in Urban Outiftters shopping for chandeliers. And I was like 'What am I doing shopping at Urban Outfitters when I'm supposed to be on my way to work?' and then I woke up and I was on the bus."
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
These were taken immediately upon my arrival home from Bermuda. Mojo was frantically rolling around my feet, desperate to be as close to me as possible, and seemingly, to also throw himself into some stress-induced seizure. And Marley had tunnel vision, er scent: Get IN the suitcase!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I wanted to take a moment to reflect on my holiday season thus-far. And it's been fairly non-existent. Thanksgiving came too quickly, and I held off on the Christmas spirit for apparently too long, because it's Eve is also rearing it's beautiful head a little too soon for my liking. Everything is in super fast motion, it snowed a little, and the snow melted in the morning. Then it snowed a lot, turned to ice and has been too lethal to fully enjoy. It's pretty perfect from my fifth floor windows, though. I did most of my shopping so early, I can't remember where I got what from. And then I made good friends with Amazon and mortal enemies with American Express fulfilling all the gaps in my planning to avoid the holiday rush. But I think avoidance was the wrong way to go. I wish now that I've been sitting in traffic heading to Paramus. And I wish that I could see people fighting over last minute deals and steals, and elbowing old ladies to hope to have 60 seconds less of a wait in line. (See, mind you, not feel. I hate those elbowing freaks.)
Mostly, I am just really excited. Putting this year behind me, like a marathon runner getting past a middle mile that let some self-doubt creep in. I feel like my life is taking shape, and it may not be the life I thought it would be ten, or even five years ago. But it's a better life that I had one year ago, and I am so thankful. I'm off to do some grave injustices to my mother's wrapping now...
Julia: “I don’t like that kind of history so much, I’m more a revolutionary type of girl.”
Alex: “I am going to go to temple on Saturday and church on Sunday for you. I am going to read from the torah on Saturday and the bible on Sunday.”
(I thought this was a good start to a warm and cheery holiday week for all!)
Monday, December 22, 2008
(Discussing how I thought Bill from True Blood was hot in a smoldering, undead kind of way. And for the record, Carrie has changed her mind and met me on the dark side.)
Me: “He’s hot, right?”
Carrie: “In a gay 80’s way. I'll be sure to tell you Tom Hanks in Philadelphia is hot when he’s onscreen.”
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My cousin Eric is leaving for Life University (an actual place, not a needlessly poignant analogy for the journey one takes when leaving home.) And it's in Georgia! Jawwwwja, if you will, ya'll. The same dreaded state with beautiful weather, kind people, and cheap as dirt real estate that my uncle got lost inside of when he made this seemingly exact journey years ago. I thought I wouldn't have to worry about this with him. He had gone to Johnson and Wales University, came home to Rockland County. Stayed in Rockland County for Rockland Community College. Went to University of Delaware. Came back to RCC. Went to University of Connecticut. Came back to RCC for summers, and graduated from UConn, coming back to Rockland County. I mean, who wouldn't have assumed the college trekking was over? And who will I have left in the greater Metropolitan area to try and show off their cup pyramid moves?
Friend: “What’d you have for breakfast?”
Mom: “Coffee and my Viagra.”
Mom: “Oh My G-d! I meant my Valtrex.”
Mom: (Laughs for 30 seconds straight…) OH MY G-D! I meant my Viactiv.”
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Is Mojo crazy? Why don't you check out his crazy eye and get back to me? He makes Marley look sane, and she is sitting on the edge of the bed scheming on how best to take down the fan, jump on the crate, shred the F.A.O. Schwarz bag and find even one delicious morsel of lint to make the whole ordeal worthwhile.
Monday, December 15, 2008
"Amsterdam unveiled plans Saturday to close brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes in its ancient city center as part of a major effort to drive organized crime out of the tourist haven."
Ummm, Amsterdam? Has it really been overlooked that you are a tourist haven BECAUSE of your brothels, sex shops and marijuana cafes?
Do you know what sucks? Condo and/or Co-op shopping! There are soooooo many factors to deal with: mortgage brokers, closings, lawyers, fees for the fees on top of fees, curious realtors and anxious sellers, down payments, security fees, inspection notices, dead lines, contingencies, titles, background searches, tax returns, and I could keep going on forever. And this is in addition to apartment searching, budgeting, saving, crying, loving, losing, praying, bidding, rejections, acceptance. And then the cold, hard fear kicks in. Can everything really be in line and then a Co-op board swoops in and crushes every hope and dream and light my life has had in G-d knows how long?? The answer: We shall see. And Miss Tina Fey knows my pain:
"You, I feel sorry for you, Co-op board."
Discussing the difference between my possible food poisoning or stomach virus:
Me: “If I’m contagious, Carrie is screwed.”
Alex: “Why is that?”
Me: “Because I was in her bed moaning all night.”
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Yeah, yeah, I do this to myself....
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I love the author of this article, Mike Bruno, with his admittance to the love that every true blooded American is bound to feel for Ms. Jennifer Aniston at one point, or another. And his top five reasons for loving her:
1. Office Space (natch)
2. Her reasoned response to the career-over-baby accusations that had people running around with "I'll have your baby, Brad!" t-shirts during her divorce to Brad Pitt. "A man divorcing would never be accused of choosing career over children....That really pissed me off. I've never in my life said I didn't want to have children," she told Vanity Fair in 2005.
3. Her dig this year at Angelina Jolie, who had publicly talked about falling for Pitt while he was still married to Aniston. "That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day [while filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith]? That was really uncool," she told Vogue.
4. She's got a thing for rock-n-roll dudes -- first Adam Duritz, and now John Mayer (who's eight years her junior, I might add, which I think is kinda hot...for some reason. I know, I know, pervy old man).
5. The Good Girl, when I first realized there was more to Aniston than "Rach."
Disagree? You're lying to yourself.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
A few months earlier....
I had decided to meet up with my friend Lauren in my lobby, bringing Marley and Mojo for a walk. This was already against my better judgement, because it was hovering around 90 degrees outside, and we all know, I likey my air conditioning. But, after a whole summer of turning down "outdoors" invitations, I figured that a quick walk to the park would be tolerable. The dogs did their usual worst, pulling, straining toward traffic, panting with collars dragging them back; really, what every dog owner dreams a walk could be.
When we got to the park, aside from a rogue break towards some friendly bikers, the dogs were pooped. We sat under a tree for a little bit, giving them water, and getting twice the drool back in return. The walk home seemed exactly like the walk there, only I had a bit more pep in my step knowing I left my air conditioner on 68 and it would be gloriously waiting for me.
After a few hours, I noticed Mojo had a limp that continued to get more pronounced. I checked for rocks and class and splinters, I pulled his legs in every direction, and soaked his feet in cool water. He never made a sound, so I thought maybe he had sprained his something. The emergency animal hospital at midnight told me that if he wasn't crying in pain or bleeding profusely, to take him to the vet the next day and save myself at least five hundred dollars. I obeyed.
I got to pay only three hundred dollars to learn that my dog was hurt, as a direct result of myself. Apparently, the cement that we had walked on was a little too severe for Mojo's paw pads, and had burned through a few layers. Since the paw pads are a hub or nerve endings, this was painful for him, but since the burn didn't actually break skin, it wasn't open to infection or conducive to yelping. That seems to be a theme in my life: Pretty bad, but could be a lot worse.
And this is what I got to hear when I shared my story at work:
Alex: "Adolf for animals over here. Why don’t you just go out with Sarah Palin and shoot your dog from a helicopter?"
Or another time:
Me: "I’m not leaving them in the crate as much anymore."
Alex: "Oh, great, so you’re letting them either get locked up in a small cell all day, or tortured?"
Or my favorite:
Me: "She rubbed me the wrong way- like scraped my skin with a grater."
Alex: "Oh, like you mean what you did to your dogs feet? Oh, that was bad. Not as bad as what you did. God- I'm like a termite. Once I get in, you just can't get me out."
Monday, December 8, 2008
This weekend's Saturday Night Live made me laugh, a lot. A lot more than usual, and I am an avid SNL viewer. So kudos to John Malkovich, and kudos to DVR for letting me fast forward through "musical" guest T.I. If you so choose to watch this video, please keep in mind that it is wrong, and very dirty, and made me totally crack up.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Picture this: You are traveling far from home. Dragging luggage and your feet. Needing to recharge your cell phone and inner batteries. Fantasizing about ripping apart and cozying into your hotel bed, knowing it's a rare occasion to sleep in a bed made with four different layers of sheets. Maybe you are planning to keep the room a little chilly- it's not your air conditioning bill!
Well, what if you didn't need to worry about adjusting the thermostat? All you needed to worry about was wrapping yourself in thermogenic lining and having enough discretionary dough to make Madonna sweat for a minute...
Then visit Hotel de Glace, where the pictures are cool, but the air is sure to be downright painfully cold. Because that's what I consider a relaxing break from society.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
For as long as I can remember, falling on my face has always been my greatest fear. Or, I should say, my most constant fear. Every time I have stepped onto stairs, I have thought about how awful it would be to slip and fall and land face-first. Maybe this is because I am naturally accident prone. Maybe this is because I really do have a touch of OCD, as so many friends have joked for so many years. And instead of it manifesting itself as a need to wash my hands back and forth forth three times on even days only, it's chosen to rear it's ugly head many times a day, every day, for what seems like forever.
And it came true. I fell straight onto my face, knocking out most of my front tooth. Manifest destiny? Mayhaps. But regardless of the why, because I get exhausted thinking about WHY ME?!?!?!, I thought I would jot down the what now.
Missing work: Embarassing
Emergency Root Canal: $1,100
Bonding and/or cap: Thousands
Severe pain and swelling: Priceless
I am struck by both how painful this entire ordeal has been, and continues to be. And also, by how strong I seem to be. My biggest fear has come true, I have shed no tears. I am on no pain killers. I am not curled up in a ball rocking myself to sleep the best I can in a straightjacket in a mental hospital where I willingly admitted myself so Nurse Ratchet could care for my remaining years. I have surprised myself.
What if, moving forward, I live my life without fear? Without possibly costing myself more appendages due to dwelling and obsessing? I'm in between then and now. Kind of broken, kind of resigned to dull throbbing and an overall numbness. I am hopeful and intrigued by this possible future, no holds barred. And when this pain stops, I am trying it out for a spin. (Figuratively. There will be no driving of unstable wheel-y things by me. Ever.)