Monday, January 31, 2011

Quote of the Day

Poetry Corner: 3:38 PM EST

Carrie: "At this time everyday, the sun begins to descend and what happens is it blinds me and my computer screen."

Ah, the natural simplistic wonder that is a sunset.

Frozen "Foods," If You Will

Frozen foods are so easy. And cancerous. And delicious. And life shortening. I try to keep fresh vegetables in my fridge. I like them more than anything. But they go bad so quickly. Most of the time, it's a bowl of cereal for me when I feel like flexing my creative cooking juices mid-week. And yes, every so often, I peruse the frozen foods aisle and scan for a good deal. Not a good deal on my health, but if I see a box of mozzarella sticks for $1.99, my resolve weakens. Besides, my rational is that only the first two will be texturally appetizing. Then the cheese gets hard and disgusting and I throw the rest out. Or, my favorite, I get a little preoccupied with some shiny object and all the cheese explodes out of the sticks. I will pick at some hot cheese for about a minute, and then wrap the tin foil up and say, "Sayonara!"

In my quest for a long, healthy, happy life, I have really been focusing on keeping only the appropriate and uber healthy foods in the freezer. Ice pops, frozen yogurt, some homemade soups that are growing icicle hair that I refuse to get rid of in case that hair creates some sort of beard that makes the face of Jesus in my freezer so I can go ahead and claim my thirteen seconds of fame on the second to last page of The National Enquirer. I bet my grandmother had no idea I would nurture and support her vegetable soup in hopes of creating Jesus Soup.

For those of you with an equal interest in freakish things in your freezer, but with perhaps substantially less time and patience than I am willing to commit to their progress, or maybe for those suffering from three year old palates, I present to you Buzzfeed's list of 15 awfully disturbing frozen foods: The List

I'll switch things up and build some momentum, starting from the bottom up.

#15. Stouffer's Welsh Rarebit. Because what's worse than eating rabbit? This.
#14. Microwaveable Pork Rinds. Because pork rinds don't sound unhealthy enough, let's have them soak up some micro-waves before ingesting.
#13. Mr. Brain's Pork Faggots. KID.YOU.NOT.
#12. Chili Spaghetti. Because it's going to look like poo on one end, let's just focus on continuity.
#11. Crispy Pancakes, filled with minced beef. Because saying empanada would have totally like uh ruined the whole pancake vibe, man.
#10. Soft baked Buns Mini Cheeseburgers. Because our teeth work hard enough on soft buns, we should insist everything else is pre-chewed for us!
#9. Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick. Because when your teeth fall out of your head due to a healthy mix of malnutrition and missing dental hygiene, these sticks can be broken into small pieces and shoved into your empty tooth sockets.
#8. Japon Frozen Sushi. Because nothing says "fresh raw food" like "freezer-burned old food."
#7. Chicken Breast Rings. Because if people are focusing on the fun shapes, maybe they won't be focusing in on what they're crunching, I mean chewing, on.
#6. Pizza Pops, Three Meat. Because, okay, I've got nothing; except a very real craving for Pizza Pops.
#5. Pizza and Chocolate Chip Cookies. Because we need to save Mother Earth, conserve on paper goods that are recyclable, saving lives is so much less hip these days. Duh.
#4. Breyer's Bubble Yum Ice Cream. Because after you think about this one for a moment, and start gagging in your mouth, you MAY think, "Hmmm, there's a slight chance that could taste an iota better than my own stomach acid."
#3. Pickle Pops. Because, uhhh, because... I got nothing.
#2. Eggo Real Fruit Pizza. Because nothing says Italian food like Belgian waffles, granola, strawberries and an aftertaste of Diabetes.
#1. Obama Fingers. Because how else should we honor and revere the President of the United States than to name some chicken fingers served with curry dipping sauce after him? Oh, I know!!! Fry them!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The History of "Social Media"

I just realized, with the help of good old Mashable, that everyone I know is fluent in some dialect of Social Media. It stemmed from an email.

The Entire History Here (Infographic)

We are all one.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Little Gym Etiquette

I recently joined Blink Fitness, and what I enjoy most about it is all of the machines, or the cheap price, or the location. Those are smart answers. What I really like are the little notes that the designers leave all over the walls in random spots. For instance, one says something along the lines of "Grunting. No. Do we really need to go there?" That's how I would handle it in my own make believe gym. Actually, it would read more like, "Grunting. No. Do we really need to go there? Because I will, mister! I will mic you up and have the whole parking lot hear how loud you're grunting for your 30 pound weights. Sticking your chest out does not make you appear taller. And grunting does not make you seem stronger. The opposite, for both, actually."

I think in my make believe gym, I might be assassinated. Apparently by an angry, loud, short, weak man. Oh, what grunting can lead to!

Thankfully Slate is here to help us through some potentially awkward gym scenarios with some Gym Etiquette here.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Buying Into The Family

You know how movies can glorify Mafia life, but always seem to take a hard look at the life of a Mafia wife? Well, I can scream it out loud, "I DON'T CARE!" Nothing has ever been able to demystify their existences to me. And if you are anything like me, maybe you would be interested in learning that the CORLEONE COMPOUND IS NOW FOR SALE. That's right, kids: The house is real, it's available, and it's shooting your name into the inside of your eardrum. It's in Staten Island, so there are so many cultural amenities you could take advantage of. You could find a deserted Italian place and have some spaghetti and marinara sauce. But if someone spends a few minutes too long in the bathroom, you should probably leave. Also, you can go swimming with the fishes. Or at least wade through water with them. I'm not sure how much trash and severed body parts float in the water down there, but there are things alive you could splash around with definitely. Really, the only drawback that I can think of is that it's listed at $2.9 million. So I am out of the running, unless I marry a Corleone of my own.

Remember, this house is no different than any powerful house, any house with power, like a president's house or a senator's house.

Quote of the Day

Me: "I am so tired!!!"

Melissa: "You're crazy. I choose sleep over other things. You choose life fulfillment."

Now I'm torn between taking my preciously planned nap today, or going against every fiber of my being, hitting the gym and grabbing food out. At the end of the day, I want sleep. But it's kind of cool hearing my friend tell me my life is fulfilling. I know what I really need to do: Get a talking pillow who can tell me more of that.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Situation of the Weekend

My father and stepmother just so happen to be in LA for the Golden Globes this week, as they are every year. Am I jealous? I mean, why would I be? I stayed in this weekend, nursing this infectious death cold leaving the house only to shakily climb onto an elliptical machine and try to stay upright. The only thing that amuses me about their annual trips to walk amongst the stars are my dad's stories. Like the one last year where he kept bumping into Edie Falco and she was pretty sure he was actually stalking her. While he always appears to be nonplussed, his body seems to fail him. From knocking over a stack of champagne flutes while trying to casually lean, or having his voice crack like a thirteen year old version of himself mid-word. I am anxiously awaiting his return to the east coast, where, fingers crossed, he either has some embarrassing stories or Ryan Reynold's cell phone number for me. Thursday night, my father bumped into LL Cool J at a bar. They physically bumped into each other and did that thing where both parties sort of grab each others shoulder's to steady themselves as they apologize.

Dad: "I'm sorry, are you alright?"

LL Cool J: (A quick look up and down) "I think I'll be okay."

Like a big, muscular bird flying into a brick wall. LL Cool J is of course the bird, Dad.

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Plug For North Face

Ironically, the hat I purchased last night is called the High Point Hat, purchased at what felt like a very low point. Let me paint the picture for you: I'm sick, should be resting but work beckons. I stay at work late trying to catch up on my days out. I step outside in a winter coat, thick gloves and a small but warm scarf that is wrapped twice around my neck ad tucked into my coat. The wind hit my face, uncovered, and my first thought was, "My skin is going to rip open." Next came, "My ears are going to sizzle off my head and shatter into pieces when they hit the ground." And just as I was thinking that I was seeing three of things as my vision was slowly freezing over, a man of about five feet in height was speed walking towards me, head cocked to the wall, and screaming on the top of his lungs. Mostly jibberish with some incoherent "Get Away's" and "WHYYYYYYYY?" It's amazing how a psychotic man on the loose barreling toward you can sober your thoughts right up!

Unfortunately, by the time I got into Port Authority and waded onto my bus, my head had turned into a pounding drum, freezing and sweaty. My ears stung and my eyes ached. And don't get me started on my nose. Ten tissues in, I had half a mind to repurpose my scarf since it seemed useless when I needed it most.

I thought about "Northern Exposure." I never saw Janine Turner's nose drip profusely. And this is why I can't really claim to be a solutions oriented person. As I got lost in a fantasy world, my friend K had a very realistic solution. Get a hat! Logic evades me when I need it most nowadays. I hope to keep logical friends by my side as I transition into older, old and eventually, a great grandmother rocking on her front porch telling whomever will listen that I used to live in a small town in Alaska, with almost no hair on my head and not once a runny nose!

Reality Check

I just got my Cynopsis email and read that tonight, at 10pm on Animal Planet, the season premiere of Animal Hoarding airs. And I got legitimately excited! First of all, watching that show, I hold my face for fear that Smell-O-Vision could suddenly come in to existence. I gag or tear up or become disgusted or depressed, and I just got excited about that. Secondly, I now see how close I am to becoming one of these people. Sure, I only have 2 dogs. And yes, I am a touch OCD and am uber-sensitive to odors and could never, ever actually live like those people. But by sitting at home, removed from the world on a Friday night, sitting on the couch with my "animals," how far off can I be?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Quote of the Day

There is something so comically defiant, so far beyond understandable about what a ten year old will and will not put their foot down on. They are fickle, undecided, and testing boundaries is the only thing that's dependable about them. So what happens when a particular ten year old has been fighting about consuming food, touching certain foods with other foods, and heaven forbid, actually tasting something new his entire life? He does it some more. But now, Tristan can understand punishments, and he chooses to cry and fight and go to sleep and lose allowances and games and play dates and forego dessert for ten months, so what is a person to do? Threaten with something new.

After a particularly trying "dinner" session:

Carrie: "If you don't start behaving I'm gonna spank you."

Tristan: "Ummm, don't you think I'm a little old for that?"

Carrie: "Not when I'm using my fist!"

A Little Frazzled

If anyone out there knows any sort of voodoo magic spell that can pause time, please let me know. I think I'd risk eternal damnation for a super cool cheat during this go of it. Life is exhausting! It's tiring enough when I feel at "functioning capacity." For the past few days, I have been plagued with congestion and coughing and sneezing and raw skin under my nose and according to others, severe bags under my eyes and a swollen face. That was particularly awesome to hear. "Oh, you must be really sick, your face is unrecognizably swollen!"

Thanks. Really.

Now I am two days behind work which somehow can feel like 2 weeks. And I joined a gym and haven't been able to go, which doesn't mean too much, except it sheds a looming cloud over the future prospect of my ability to ever motivate myself into utilizing said gym. I caught up on laundry, but I looked around my apartment and discovered a thick layer of dust covering everything. It's as if my tissue sprays have saturated fuzz all over everything I own. And nothing is more disturbing that sitting in an enclosed space with germs taunting your chances of recovery with a thin layer of little gray fuzz. So, I started tackling the dust and Marley threw up. So I switched over to vomit in the carpet clean-up. , Next, came the dishes, and I turned around to see that Mojo had dragged a pillow off of my bed, and in doing so, had stripped my bed of everything. So I remake my bed, and while I'm in my room, I check emails. Work emails. Both reminding me how much work I have left to do, while also taking me away from cleaning. I realized food was probably necessary, as I felt my antibiotic tearing through my stomach. So, I cooked. Second sink full of dishes. Fed the dogs, after which I am unable to touch anything crinkly or prasticy on my counters, because Mojo will then bark thinking it's his next course of dinner. Where he got such a notion and habit, I have no idea. Finally, I lay down, but I'm too congested to lay down and read. So I sit up and watch TV. But I have zero interest in anything except my book. I finally get comfortable with my book, and a friend calls with an urgent two hour conversation that I tried to cut short. The conversation ended when he was exhausted and I was first waking up.

How do people do this with spouses and babies and kids and homework and classes?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Senior Citizen's Can Text, Too

This is completely quoted from my friend, but I didn't want to forget anything...

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oiling
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My 2010 In Review

Found some free time.
Traveled the world.
Hung with my grandfather.
Cut some magazines.
Fell in love-
with a new apartment.
Learned a new town.
The Jersey Shore (in reality and on reality).
Started working in Manhattan.
Bus rides.
Card games.
Irish whiskey.
Puggle ear infections.
Cutting ties and making new ones.

Doesn't sound too painful, in retrospect of course.

Zombies VS. Supermodels

Technically, everyone wants a tan, right? The darker, the better...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Quotes from K

K: "You know, you have the ability to make people just feel at home with you. You're very welcoming. You are just homely."

Me: "Um, you mean homey, I hope."

K: "You and my ex-girlfriend both had issues with that word. I'm sticking with homely."

Me: "Great. Just please keep it to yourself then."

Fun Times Had

Fun Times Had

Have you been here yet? I think every website EVER including and should open with one of the many pictures featured on this site. I just can't decide if I want to meet these people, or hide very, very far away.

Sweater Season

I know that Sweater Season is upon us, although I try my hardest to avoid wearing sweaters like the plague. The hot, temperature uncontrolled fuzzy, linty, obstructing and awkward wardrobe mistake that I make at least once a month on cold mornings in the winter.

However, since the gift giving season has passed, I thought this was especially amusing: Things That Don't Need Sweaters. I love it.

*And from the same creators: Painfully Articulate Facebook Status Drop-Down options.