Thursday, August 28, 2008

Snapshot (With A Song)

My homage to Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind":

"She's Like The Wind In My Ear"

She's like the wind, in my ear
She runs around in circles
She leads me to insanity
Only to scratch me with her nails
She's taken my spending money
But she doesn't know how to speak

Feel her breath on my face
When I'm trying to sleep
Can't look in her eyes
She'll just start to leap
Just insane to believe
She will ever be behaved
She's like the wind...

I look in the bathroom area and all I see
Is a pooping Marley without a screen
Am I just kidding myself
That she's hold her pee?
Living without her,
I'd be on planes.

Quote of the Day

Phil: "No, I'm on a diet."
Julia: “What do you need to lose? Your dignity?”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


This is her daily butt rub. In the fur.

A Lil' Captn'll Do Ya

This just in:  Captain Morgan has joined the race for President! Finally, a candidate I can fully get behind. Behind on my liver function and detailed memories of late nights. Sign me up!

It's all HERE.

Quote of the Day

Me: “I like the green one, not the orange one.”

Alex: “They’re called honeydew and cantaloupe, Aly. That’s how children identify melon. No, not even, even children know what they are called.”

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

Simple Math

Jill + Wine = Crazy

Quote of the Day

Alex: "Isn't it funny that she doesn't have a wee wee, but has a wee wee pad?"

Friday, August 22, 2008


Marley has special eyeball powers. As one closes and sinks further into her head, the other one opens up and pushes farther out of her head- all in equal proportions. I bet your dog can't do that! And so what if that's a feature people don't want their dogs to come with?


For a recent work outing, we decided to go to Carmine's Restaurant. The original, uptown. It was insanely loud. The food was insanely good. And the menu's were written insanely far away on the walls only. But, by far, the craziest thing that Carmine's had to offer was The Titanic! It may not be the ship that sank, but after eating it, you could sink some ships!

This is all of us, from left to right: Me, Carrie, Julia, Aaron, Brian, Mike, and Nikki. This is us before the pain truly took hold.
This is a close up of The Titanic (chocolate torte with 5 jumbo scoops of ice cream, fresh whipped cream, fruit, cookies, chopped hazel nuts and chocolate sauce, aka death.)
Some of us knew when to stop...
Others obviously didn't.
There are no after shots taken of everyone, as it was too painful to smile.

Note to Self:

This is where I had the best steak ever made: Starr Boggs. I didn't even regret going after I was eaten alive by rabid mosquitos flying around the restaurant. That is saying a lot!

Quote of the Day

Me: “I’m gonna come to Karen’s early and hang in the pool for a few hours Saturday morning.”

Jordan: “Like a leech, leave me be.”

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Have You Noticed?

During my Olympic obsession, I noticed a few similarities between celebrities I already know, and celebrities I am getting to know. For instance, I thought that Ryan Lochte could be mistaken for Casper Van Dien's little brother. There are others, but I can't recall names, just rock hard abs and arms and abs.

There was one Olympian who made me do a double take though. He doesn't actually look like one person, but rather the exact culmination of two very famous men. "They" say that Justin Spring is the son of an astronaut. I have a better theory. His father must be Prince Charles. And his mother? The late Princess Di. How else could someone so specifically look like 50% of Prince William and 50% of Prince Harry? Who is missing from this photo? Their third brother, Prince Justin. Or is that Justin and Harry is missing? Cannot tell!!

A City With No Cars

How amazing would it be to see the bustling streets of New York City without the bustle of cars? How about just one big street?  I just learned about NY's Summer Streets which have taken place twice already, and the final day is this Saturday, August 23rd. Park Avenue will be closed to vehicular traffic, creating a bike friendly route from the Brooklyn Bridge to Central Park. I wish I was able to make it! I love the idea though.

This photo was taken by Daniel Kukla, along with many other incredible shots on the website!


Dear Goldin Furniture,

I understand that your business sells furniture. And I understand that its unkept features add to the charm of a building that can only be appreciated in a beach town. But come on! Barter a stool for a pint of paint, or something! My dog could make a clearer front sign for you!

Non-patron Passerby

Quote of the Day

Tristan: “I’ve been having trouble getting wide.”

Me: “White?”

Tristan: “No, wide. I keep growing tall and my clothes fall off a lot.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I call this one: Outcast Duck

Just because a duck is missing his beak doesn't mean he's any less of a duck. 
(Less the beak, of course.)

Do Not Play With The Jack Russel

My friend Brian learned the hard way that Corky, much like his fellow Jack Russel Terriers, really cannot break fixation on a ball. It's not tug-of-war, it's tug-of-death, and only by means of actually dying will Corky let you keep his ball, or win in a pulling match, or throw it far enough for him to not find it. Let's see the progression:

At first, he decides to tease Corky a little bit. I knew at this point it was not going to end well.

Brian finally decided to let Corky get a taste of the ball, not realizing that it was similar to waving a full glass of whiskey in front of a parched alcoholic.

And after tugging and growling and pulling from both parties, Brian gave up the ball to its rightful owner. And sulked. And he was cranky, until I waved a full glass of whiskey in front of him.

Quote of the Day

A.H.: "What? She doesn't know anything. You don't know anything. Nobody knows anything, except me."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


I took this at an art fair in Quogue, NY and I'm surprised I even got a picture. I'm disappointed that I didn't get the artist's business card, not thinking clearly in the moment. My father pointed the stand out to me, commenting on how Tim Burton must have drawn inspiration from this artist. And I stood there, as he walked on, thinking, Tim Burton could be inside those walls! Anything can happen, right? So, I calmed my nerves, took one foot in front of the other, and moved forward. And around the corner.... a small man completely unlike Tim Burton. So, I didn't get to meet Tim, didn't get this man's business card, and probably looked disappointed while standing in this incredible art exhibit. But aren't they pretty?

Quote of the Day

About his DVD that I have borrowed for too long:

Jordan: “I’m going to absolutely take my DVD. That’s probably flushed, shat on, pissed on, eaten, bitten, slept on, thrown out the window under a truck’s tires, hit by pelican's beaks and thrown up on.”

Me: “It is fine! No scratches.”

Jordan: “As long as its okay, we’re still ok.”

Monday, August 18, 2008


My father gazes at the candy, deliberating and waiting for a helper. My brother seems to believe that through willing the candy to come to him, combined with physically calling them over to him, he can get the candy faster. Look at that stare!

Quote of the Day

Me: “You’re a little rough today.”

Alex: “Yeah, I have some edges. I’m like a hexagon, a little sharp to the touch.”

Was China Ready For The Olympics?

For whatever reason, I became addicted to watching the Olympics this year. It's the first time I can remember caring too much. Yeah, I used to like watching the women's floor exercises, and the men's diving competitions, but if I missed it, so be it. This year, something came over me. There's been this overwhelming feeling of patriotism and competitiveness that is all new and exciting (very, very new). I got chills when I saw the first reporter speaking live from Tiananmen Square, even with soldiers standing at attention in every direction and this disgusting and unbelievable life of smog smothering everyone, there was Tiananmen Square. It's so incredible to be there. And there are two next steps that I would love to be taken to really integrate what China is intending to do, and what is actually being done. First step, I want people, at least the Americans visiting, being allowed to mention Tibet. I feel as if the world, being in China, and being forbidden from speaking their minds almost defeats the purpose of having the 2008 Olympic Games there. we are free to compete, but not to speak? And how must Tibetans feel? The entire world is playing games in a country that is inflicting their world with pain.

But onto the lighter side of what needs to be done: Find a translator! You have how many people stuffed like sausages in your city, let alone your country, let alone the countries you are forcefully occupying! These pictures are from a tasteless-by-name, funny-by-content site called I know, it hurts to see the name, but anything even similar to Jay Leno's Headlines are a-okay in my book.

Who wouldn't want to shop here?

This is for all the vegetarians who are in it to save the animals:

Horsebeans? Tasting anything but great?? I don't buy it.

An entrance for the ho's. Always be thinking!

If you die here, so help you.....

Liquor heads are SO not welcome. Also, horrifying of highness will also be prohibited.

I really wish I knew some loud-mouthed, mid-western, full-blooded American visiting China for the games, just so they could take more pictures for me...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm Voting....

I try really hard to avoid spewing my personal preference in presidential candidates. And not because I care who knows what I believe in, but because people who never care about politics or world happenings suddenly turn into the brain powers behind the presidential candidate of their choice once every four years. And who am I? I like people based on their charisma first, then their politics. Which is why I try to keep my peace. However,  I am guessing as we near November, there will be ample of amusing material floating around, some of which I might just feel the need to share.  The best I have found so far is this website called I'm Voting Republican. This is the entire page:

And if that didn't deter anyone from voting republican, maybe this will:


The whole "crying a little" thing knocks me out of the race... who's up?

Quote of the Day

Alex: "Why am I the great communicator of our time?"

(That was soooooo Obama of him.)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Monday, August 11, 2008


On my latest trek to the great Target, I had to purchase some Robitussin DM for my dogs' hacking. I found the smallest generic tussin dm for the dogs, and decided to bee-line it to the register as that store is filled with temptations that I am too weak to fight. At the register, my cashier scanned the cough syrup, and a strange warning started flashing where the price should have appeared. For a split second, I thought, "Finally, I win!" But, no, and the cashier asked me for ID. And, of course, the one time I actually leave my ID in my car, someone at Target would ask me for it. (I cursed Bally's under my breath for insisting on looking at my license to reissue me my lost membership card.) So, I asked if she thought I was really under 18 or if she could just let it slide. And she looked at me with a straight face, and said, very rehearsed, "Maam, while it is highly unlikely, you could be buying this tussin dm to make methamphetamine with it. So I need to scan your ID so it's on record where and when you bought this." 

Maam? Guess I don't look under 18. Also, I thought this was Target, not fricken Walmart, ya'll!


Seeing Mojo's head this large really does make me wonder, is my father right? Does he have a freakishly large head and should I report him to the Guiness Book? Marley's almost twice his size, but you wouldn't guess it.

Quote of the Day

While at the mall...

Jillian: "Aly, come with me to the bathroom, I'm scared."

Me: "Well, um, give me your keys."

Jillian: "I'm worried about getting raped, and you want to stand there and hold my keys for me?"

Friday, August 8, 2008

Diagnosed By Yours Truly

As most of you know, I boarded Marley and Mojo at the lovely Camp Bow Wow while I was away for two nights. I chose this place over others, because it is a day camp where the dogs frolic and are loose with other dogs for the majority of the day. And how much better does that sound than the idea of your dog being locked up all day and night, and only taken out for intermittent walks? The decision was clear. After they passed their "doggy interviews," all they had to do was update their Kennel Cough vaccinations. After shuffling my schedule, begging my mother to do some vet pick-ups, and dropping over two hundred dollars for the check ups and vaccinations, everything was in place.

They went. I left. We've been back home for five nights. And last night, when I opened their crate door, instead of panting (like usual), I was received with hacking sounds. Marley was dry heaving for a few minutes. I checked both of their throats for stings, or a dustball, or a guitar. All things that they have tried to get down their throats, but nothing was there, and the hacking stopped. They ate, but actually did not finish their food, which is notable due to rarity. And at one point before I went to sleep, Marley was hacking and Mojo was dry heaving. I thought, Kennel Cough? But they weren't coughing.

Apparently, they were. So after research, calm, research, panic, lunch, and research, I have decided to hold off going to the vet, as I could probably feed a small army with what I would be saving. And I will be giving them honey, Robitussin DM, and Vitamin C. Letting the cough run its course is basically my only option at this point. And we will see if it goes away, as a normal human cold would; or we'll see if it worsens and that small army will have to go hungry and my smaller army goes to the Vet.

Should I call Camp Bow Wow and let them know that their "super clean" establishment not only gave my dogs Kennel Cough, but that the vaccine does not guarantee that a dog won't contract Kennel Cough? The possibility of returning them there should be left open, for my trip to Bermuda in November and possibly, you know, ever leaving my house again. And according to my research, a dog can contract Kennel Cough in an elevator, at the park, anywhere. So, not that I am shifting blame, but if I never bring them back there, they could still contract it somewhere else.  On the bright side, they are going to absolutely flip over honey!


Eat it, or it will eat you!

Quote of the Day

Grandpa Alton: "Jordan doesn't need to help me with my tie, I remembered how to. You see, Aly, at this age, people don't make ties, they use rope."

*He thinks he is Jerry Seinfeld, and I laugh because he is my Jerry Seinfeld.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

*Gasp* The Hamptons

I hate how even saying "I went to the Hamptons" always is replied to with "Oh, aren't you lucky," or "La-dee-dah!" I went to the eastern, southern tip of Long Island for a three day weekend. I did not hob-nob with the socially elite that grace the pages of Page Six, even though I may have bumped shoulders with them at bookstores and home decorating shops. I did not cruise around in a yacht while being hand fed grapes, even though I did eat many grapes. I did not wait on any lines to get into a hot night club, although we wound up waiting at the bar for a table at a hot restaurant. 

I was able to figure out why "the Hamptons" elicits such responses. Being there is a way of life, more than any one location. Houses are covered in worn wood shingles, and side roads are pebbled and uneven. The smell of ocean is impossibly close to you, wherever you may be. Stores manage to teeter on the fine line between posh product and quaint, down home feel. People are well dressed, but also sometimes barely dressed. Life isn't about work and chores and chaos. It's about strolling, and art, and enjoying everything you do. It's so hard to transport that back to Fort Lee. Where I can smell the Hudson River, but I try my hardest not to. My car needs to take me to each place, pretty much murdering the thought of leisurely strolls. People are honking, and rightfully so, because the a**hole in the left lane is holding up traffic, and WE HAVE PLACES TO GO! 

But let's not forget, while some people are familiar with "The Luck of the Irish," I have come up with the phrase "Luck O' the Jewish." Instead of potatoes, potato latkes. Instead of whiskey, Manishewitz. But the luck might just be the same:

So, on my way out to enjoy my glorious three day weekend, in Ohh Laa Laa the Hamptons, my first vacation since last September, I am imagining laying out on the beach. Standing in the ocean and having salt water lap up onto me. And the news comes on, and I get to learn that Jones Beach was closed for the day because of sharks in the water. And while Jones Beach isn't near Westhampton Beach, in the grand spectrum of THE OCEAN, it's way too close for comfort. And just in case I had any persevering thoughts of the beach left inside of me, the first news was followed by news of an unknown creature floating to shore. Pretty, right? As it turns out, the found beast was actually a really old sea turtle washed ashore with no shell. How sad, and absolutely shockingly horrifying is that? It was decided: no ocean swimming for me this time around. And the one time we did make it to the beach, just after sunset, for a nice walk, a man leaving the beach warned us that the bugs were in rare form, and to stay away. Onward we went, for maybe fifteen more feet, when I was eaten alive. I think in my three minutes at the beach, I was bitten about 23 times. Who knows what would have happened if I went in the water?

In remembering my last few times at beaches in general, I remember my last trip to Cape Cod. Where I was sunbathing with a friend, and people started chatting up strangers, excited whispers turned into people jogging down the beach, over rocks. Of course, we were more than obliged to follow, and there I saw about ten beached whales. It is horrible to see. Grown men are pushing against the backs of these whales, and to no avail. I would later learn that over 65 whales beached themselves that day. I learned that whales travel in groups, all following a leader. And when a whale is ready to die, it commits suicide by allowing itself to be brought ashore where it will pass. When a leader is ready to die, it is followed by its' entire "pack" of whales. 

Do you believe in the "Luck O' the Jewish" yet? I am heading down to the Jersey shore on Saturday, so I wait in tentative anticipation as to what awaits my ocean encounter then. Please don't say I never warned anyone.


It has been a year. A year since I sobbed out loud in the Synagogue. A year since my brother sat in the back of the pews and walked out mid-service, probably to sob out loud. A year since my mother shoveled Earth to help cover you. It's been a year that you have been pain free and healthy. No anti-rejection pills, no restrictions, no concerns. And I hope it's only been moments since you've been laying somewhere on a beach, sipping a giant iced espresso and reading an eight thousand page book on worldly spirituality. Last year, I said how your presence was a whirlwind of emotions, bringing us faith in goodwill and new appreciation for kindness and understanding and forgiveness. I grasp on to songs that surrounded you, and I hear them in pictures of your face. 


Marley hides from the sun under my legs, but seems unfazed by the wood chip sticking out of the corner of her eye.

Quote of the Day

Keith: "I wouldn't go to the Veterans Administration Hospital for anything, but if he wants to, so be it... You go in with a stubbed toe and come out missing a leg.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I often catch myself gazing at what I like to call "floor art." The stuff that serves little to no purpose except to draw the eye downward and complete a style of a room that I notice in more people's homes that you can imagine. These decorative candle holders, a rustic basket, intricate magazine racks.... table legs. My dogs like to call them urinals, chew toys, snacks, and materials that need to be shredded and spread all over other parts of the floor, so no square footage feels left out. I sure am lucky to have such equal opportunity mini-tornadoes sharing my floor space with me.

Environmental Autism

I was perusing Dooce and saw this article. It made me cry. Some people are so incredibly good, it puts everyone to shame.

I don't have anything to say, really, it speaks for itself. 

Girls' Night French Party

Last night, a a few of us gals were able to make it over to my friend Clare's house, for an inpromptu Girls' Night consisting of crackers, wines, cheese, bread, grapes and pears. And once Amelie was thrown in the mix, French it was. I actually hesitated going, as I am not consuming any wine, bread, or cheese and I thought therein lied most of the appeal. I was so wrong! I always think that being on a diet/changing a lifestyle confines me to restrictions, but spending time with friends is an amazing decadence. And while we never actually wound up sitting down for the movie, and we played Cuban music in the background, our French night was c'est magnifique!!




Quote of the Day

Me: "In an interview, Jodie Foster said: 'Look, it's terrible, I know, but weakness really, really bugs me, to the point that if there is a wounded bird on the sidewalk, I look at it and I go: I think I'll just kick it.'"

Jordan: "She kicks hurt birds?"

Me: "Apparently for being weak..."

Jordan:"She would brutally murder you in a second."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


This is an interesting trick. At first glance, this ladder may appear to be just a creative towel holder. But on second glance, one may notice the scale directly below it. Therefore, the ladder can act as an immediate source of exercise if one does not like the number that the scale is reading out. Jeenyus.

Quote of the Day

Julia: "My bf called me stubby 'cuz I have short legs. So I'm gonna call you ugly."

Monday, August 4, 2008

Quote of the Day

Carrie: “Auf viedesen. Is that how you say it?”

Me: “Eww, I don’t know, it’s spelled all disgusting.”


Hollywood is overrated. I prefer hole-y wood.

Let Me Call This Number Real Quick...

This interesting, albeit both mood killing and overall depressing, innovation in dating has come about.

It's called STFree.

The idea is, if it catches, each soon-to-be promiscuous person carries an ID card around with them. And combined with the member number on the card, and a verbal password code provided by said carrier, a potential partner can call in and get the results of that person's two most recent HIV and other STD results and their dates. So instead of showing up at the door with flowers or candy, just flash your STD badge, and all should go well. As long as your cell phone gets good service.