Saturday, May 3, 2014

2014: Missing My Friendship Necklace

Alright, I admit it, I have been totally slacking on the happy days posts. And not for any other reason than life keeps getting in the way. Oh, and blogspot doesn't let me edit text like I want to, so there is the ever mounting frustration and my handicaps that literally cease to exist if I cease to visit and write anything. By the way, I need to find a new blog forum. I just entered twice and tabbed there, although I highly doubt you will be able to see that there. 2014 has been a whopper of a year so far, personally. Two of my bestest friends in the whole wide world not so politely told me that I was no longer a friend to them. Have you ever had someone lay on their horn toward you in the road when you have no idea that you did anything wrong? And when you realize the angry person behind you is honking at you, you methodically look back to every car maneuver you have made on this entire road and the one before it and the one before that, thinking of some worthy offense that you committed but you come up empty handed? Well, imagine that, but one zillion trillion times worse, because the person honking at you is the person you would lay down in railroad tracks for and you aren't even driving a car. It's one thing when someone so close to you is no longer, but when two people separate, it is literally impossible to not try to pin it on yourself. I dare you. I'm human, I have my faults, and ambiguities. I have my shortcomings and my weaknesses. I have my emotional outbursts and my seven deadly sins emerge uninvited from time to time. But after questioning myself for what feels like an eternity, I can declare loud and proud: I am an excellent friend. I would want me as a friend. I want to be able to look at these two girls and say, she wasn't a great person, or I completely misjudged her character. I want to say that I am better off without insincere relationships in my life and that they weren't who I thought they were. I want to be angry. Actually, scratch that. I AM angry. I am angry that I was hun judge and jury without any defense. I am angry that after ten plus years of total investment, there is not so much as a conversation about switching banks. But I cannot look at the relationships I had with regret. I cannot seem to look at two amazing people that I loved so, so much, and think negatively about them. I keep trying, trust me. I have gone through every emotion this year, and HARD. I have been in mourning, and embarrassed and worried and sorry and sad and confused and doubting. I have wanted other people to stand up for me. To say, "Hey, wait a second, have you actually had a conversation?" I have been furious and confused and beaten down. But.... Life happens. People get married, or they move, or they move on. People date people who don't get along with everyone, or their priorities change. People believe one person over the other. It is life, it's changing and evolving. I think I was just just fortunate to have avoided these growing pains for so long, they just hit me like a ton of bricks. Under water. After being poisoned. And dragged down. By the devil himself. But I had ten peaceful years whereas other people I knew had sporadic growing pains. I find solace in the truth I believe in: Everything happens for a reason. Maybe these relationships will return. Maybe they are gone. But everything that happens next is supposed to. And outside of forgetting that from time to time, I am happy. I learned such a huge lesson. I cannot allow other people to define me, because nobody is as committed. And while I think I lay it all out on the line, people can only see one side. So I am working on empowering myself, because I have seen the 360, and that chick is okay.