Monday, April 30, 2012


Thank you, Trader Joes. Keepin' it real!

Quote of the Day

Me: "Are you sure it's okay if I have an Oreo? There are are only a couple left..."

Tristan: "Yeah, sure! We got that bag two days ago. And guess who has been hitting it hard? I'll give you a hint... (He pointed at himself.)"

Two days and about 25 Oreos... Oh, the havoc that could wreak on anyone not 12 years old...


Babytalk. In an office. Amongst only adults. It does not make you seem younger, or cuter, or sweeter. It makes you look weird. And old. And desperate. And creepy. And weird.

The Meaning of YOLO

There are times in my life where curiousity beats out pride. It happens often, to be honest. But when it comes to abbreviated terms, or made up infantile acronyms, I really try to stay in the dark. I have fallen prey to a few. JK. Not that I am kidding, but that it was in my mix for a while there. LOL is another good one. And for those of you who have creative or different meanings for LOL aside from Laugh Out Loud- You are wrong. Period. My friend Oudom really resisted my use of LOL for a while. He thought it was as obnoxious as me sitting there saying LMFAOROFL. I would never. And for typing that out, I will probably have Karma react swiftly and mortify me somehow before the day is out.

My self-defense with using LOL is that I do, in fact, laugh out loud, all the time. If I am typing it out to you, there is a 98% chance that a sound came out of me in repsonse to your previous comment. The idiosynchrasies of digital expression are far too deep to delve into on my caffeineless brain.

Anyway, so I have been seeing a lot of YOLO's around the interwebs, and finally, when my curiosity moved from a shoulder shurg to a burrowed brow, I Google'd it. You Only Live Once. Really? How often do you need to say that, future Ghandi's of the world. Knowing the definition made it so much worse for me! It would have been better if I discovered the meaning to be, Yes! Olives Love Oranges! Or, Yellow-Orange Lithuanian Ostriches! You Only Live Once... So please don't waste any more of this one saying that. But if you ARE in the mood to waste some time...

I am thinking this site could capture my attention for hours, as I fall less in love with mankind- except for the empowering Scotch makers of the world. Thank you, the UK! Below, please find some quick standouts, as I glanced through my page of results for deciphering YOLO.

IFF- Internet Friends Forever. Speechless.
ATWA- All The Way Alive. Damn Shame.
IKWYL- I Know Where You Live. This one is cool! Really. I like you. We can be more than internet friends if that works better for you...
WAPCE- Women Are Pure Concentrated Evil. LOL.

And the best one of the page?

TTC- Trying To Conceive. Well, maybe when you're all growned up, your parents can sit down and talk with you about logisitics.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Quote of the Day

Explaining how I don't even like buying tofu, because of the increased chances of breast cancer from soy products...

Carrie: "Meh. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me: "Unless it kills you."


The picture online showed a Beagle sitting inside this collapsable dog house, happy as can be. The picture on the box when it was delivered was also a Beagle, but a very very young one. Miss Marley doesn't fit inside, Mojo would never want anything to do with it... I don't know anyone with a tiny dog... So what am I to do?

Try to bribe them in by throwing treats inside! And yet another misstep in outsmarting the hounds. They each were able to stick their heads in and remove the treats without much effort whatsoever. But I successfully piqued Marley's interest. Food- who would have thought? After a few aggressive sniffs, realizing that there were no more treats inside- at least not the way she was used to looking- she pounced on the top of this precarioulsy assembled felt waste of money and then attached the roof. I guess it was a nice change of pace from her attacking the hair and skin on her own forearms.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Quote of the Day

Dad: "Any tickets today?"

Me: "Not for traffic, but trafficking."

Dad: "Great. You'll look good in an orange jumpsuit."

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sentimentalistically Speaking

I used to love waking up in the middle of the night. That extra full bladder or jack hammering heard in a distance afforded me my greatest pleasure: To wake up and be allowed to go back to sleep. Obviously, I don't need to delve into my hatred for my many alarm clocks all working together to shatter my happiness. I bought them- you'd think they'd have some loyalty...

I am twenty eight years old today, and for the past many months. I said my age out loud at a free movie screening when one of the assistants was gathering information last week. I said, "Twenty eight," and as he turned on to the next victim, I giggled. It was a nervous laughter. Maybe I was waiting for him to look me over and laugh, asking me to show ID to prove to him I wasn't ten years older. Or maybe I was waiting for him to look up at me, wink through his acne with bravado that couldn't possibly exist within him for another ten years, and tell me I don't look a day over 21. Nothing happened. I laughed a little, Carrie thinking I was laughing at her as she said her age- one hilarious more than me- but I had no explanation.

What ages me is the not knowing. I relish the idea of white hairs and growing even more comfortable in my own skin. I have built my life for myself. It felt solid and sturdy the whole way through. I was creating a nest on top of a flat, low tree stump and I started piling all my lifelovehopefearsavingsmemoriessmiles on to it. Gravity aided and abeted my every move- because if life is grounded, the ground isn't a scary thing. And I have been coming to some conclusions, slowly and picking up speed, that while I have been so happy, and adding on to my nest, I have been building it on a precariously thin branch. The tree stump wasn't a stump, but a Redwood, and gravity is not my friend. We are, in fact, engaged in a staring contest as I speak. And if my eyes fills with water, I could lose it all. I should have felt the wind in my hair, being so high up. The sway in my step being so far out. But I mistook the breeze and the blur as security. And I need to figure out how to tether myself closer to the core.

Mo's Quotes

“I’m just. Am I alright? I’m good- I’m. I’m. I’m. I’m. I’m. How are you? Are you okay? I'm... what's new?”


This is what I've been waking up to.
Sheets that don't match my comforter.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Quote of the Day

While stopped at my neighbors...

Miles: "Would you like a drink?"

Jill: "Sure."

Jordan: "This one. She's never been known to say no to a drink."

Upon opening the front door to my apartment- maybe ten minutes later...

Jordan: "So, can I have a beer?"

Friday, April 20, 2012

Parkway Lanes

I just looked down at my fingers and thought for a moment, "I wonder why my one thumb nail is so much shorter than my other one." And no, it's not my crack thumb- my cracked thumb maybe. And then I remembered- I went bowling! This past weekend, tons of people were missing, a bunch of great people were there. There was bowling, and beverages, and pre-teens prancing around too cool to bowl with us, and too young to talk to the grown men ogling them. So what is a thirteen year old girl to do with her cousin? Lock arms, walk in and out of the ladies room touching up eyeliner and secretly eating sugar packets, of course! I was a bit of a mess- fresh from getting a Keratin treatment in my hair, I opted for a sweatshirt, my blanket of hair coating my neck and back, and I am lifting heavy balls and throwing them. And it was muggy outside, with on and off minor drizzles, but fairly warm. Smooth move. I was trying to stay cool- getting through the Jameson quickly, to suck on the leftover ice cubes. I wasn't all too successful.

And despite my laughable form, my overhanded toss of an eight pound bowling ball that I was wished was six, that clipped pieces of my thumbnail off with at least every other toss, I won a game. That's correct. I heard Omayra and Shaun laughing about my inability to really "bowl" the ball traditionally. But I take pride in the fact that I am not doing the double handled open legged squat to propel the ball down to lane. And even though there was a misspelling, I won!!

In normal circumstances, I would have taken many more pictures- but these were the only two taken for the night. They work.

Quote of the Day

My clairvoyancy grows....

Me: "I had a dream last night. We were being chased by a crocodile."

K: "I watched four episodes of Swamp People yesterday. And Shaun installed a computer game from 1984 on my laptop where alligators chase you and I played for hours."


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Holocaust Remembrance Day

I received an email from my north of the border cousin earlier, letting me know what today is. I went through the whole day thinking... Thursday! The official name for today's day of Holocaust Remembrance is, Yom HaShoah. In a way, this day is no different than most to me. I am blessed with a face to attach to this period in history. While I can see love in my grandfather's eyes, I can also always see loss. His personal identification stamped onto his forearm can be out of sight, but it can never be out of mind.

I'll take a few moments to imagine some other faces, and untold stories and unshared lives. Eyes that left this world without feeling the love that I know my grandfather feels.


Mojo has mastered the loophole of "No dogs on my new couch." It's the perfect balance of leaving the toys on the floor, a shared exhaustion, avoiding eye contact completely and pretending to be asleep.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Conversation of the Day

The one where my brother got confused with the difference between a straight razor and a disposable razor...

Jordan: "I want to start shaving with a straight razor."

Me: "Really? Those can be really dangerous."

Jordan: "What are you talking about? To who?"

Me: "Most inexperienced people. Like in that musical where Johnny Depp was a barber and murdered people with a straight razor. It's a weapon."

Jordan: "Listen sweetheart, those were called scissors."

Also, the one where my brother got confused with the difference between Sweeney Todd and Edward Scissorhands.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012



In other words, the temperature was frying my brain cells. In other words, 25 degrees warmer than tolerable for an April 16th.

Mo's Quotes

“You’ve got plenty to drink, baby. You’ve got that dry Canada light.You can’t be thirsty with that stuff.”

Monday, April 16, 2012

Jake and Emma

When my cousin called up North from Georgia last summer, I was shocked. He never called. Then, when he told me he was having a baby, I was shocked. He hadn't ever even mentioned a girlfriend. Two weeks later, when he called and said he was having twins, I actually laughed out loud. I imagined my aunt grabbing a seat as her world spun. I imagined the expectant parents giddy with excitement and blinded with optimism. Months later, he asked me if I was excited to become an aunt, I was more shocked than I can say. Now my brother was having a child? As it turned out, Eric was just referencing his own babies-to-be, and I clarified that I was a second cousin twice removed. Or, um, a first cousin three times removed? An unremoved relative?

Jake and Emma were born healthy and happy and beautiful and loved and lucky. We will have to get over the fact that they were born Southern, ya'll. They will be in New York before they eat their first abomination of a pizza in Georgia, so I think we'll have accent free toddlers. Although my two cousins born and raised down there have inexplicably escaped the drawl effect, but the odds aren't looking good for everyone to avoid it. I have grabbed random office workers to show them how cute the twins are. I check my phone incessantly for updates. I terrify myself, for if I ever have a baby, allow me to apologize to all of my friends now- I may shoult their praises from a rooftop. It's out of my control.

I can imagine I will be adding my favorite pictures as they are created.

Quote of the Day

While his mother asked him why he never empties the dishwasher as his required chore on time...

Tristan: "It's not my fault! I just happen to be just like you and that is lazy."

I don't know how parents keep a straight face sometimes...

Friday, April 13, 2012

Thoughts of the Yesterday

Getting more than one thing accomplished after work makes me feel like Martha friggin' Stewart.

Why is there a piece of broken plastic or glass on my pillow in my bed?

My Crock Pot hates me. Maybe I should be testing out a different one to see if this one is particulary against me or if they stand united.

I need to go through my clothing desperately. I have nothing to wear and nowhere to put all of the many nothing's.

It can be fun to exact revenge on my dog. Speaking of dogs- Marley is never getting a bite of human food again. Five string beans turned into a half pound of vomit within three minutes. I wonder if the circus would be interested in a barter of some sort...

It's almost Friday. Fri-Da-Ay!

Why does a twelve bottle case of Diet Snapple feel twice as heavy as a twelve pack case of beer?

Mo's Quotes

“I remember it exactly. It might have even been something crazy. I don’t even know.”

Thanks, Gwneyth Paltrow

Many, many moons ago, I joined Miss Paltrow's mailing list, where she proves that sometimes life isn't fair. Some people really do look like that AND manage their personal lives well AND act well AND sing well AND articulate thir feeling successfully through the landscape known as the written word AND know how to cook AND who knows what else? I will have to keep reading to find out just how lucky some people can be. Jealousy isn't quite it... It's more... Hope. I have hope to one day morph into the me version of her. Did I mention I prepared food yesterday? Almost all by myself! While I did laundry. And cleaned. I was practically Gwyneth last night, just sayin'.

In her most recent mailing list creation I was just reading, she compiled a lit of great gift ideas for men at all different ages. While I never close my mind to the idea of a great new gift, and while her ideas were great, her suggestions just made my paycheck feel like a slumped over homeless man in need of a shower. With rabies. Lists like this sometimes make me wonder what I would do with practically unlimited discretionary income. Would I actually buy someone a $275 dollar candle? Because I think I could splurge- get a pricey $25 dollar candle, and then the recipent and I could spend some quality time together just burned the leftover dollars.

I Hope The World's Best Candle

Pretentious Parfum
"Inspired by Greek Mythology, Amber Oud is borned of Heliades Tears. This amber, born out of sadness yet then used to create beauty in times of joy and celebration, is what inspired the creation of Amber Oud." Mmmm. You smell like sadness and beauty.

Custom Profile Rug
I want to step on your face. So do you. Totally worth $3,500.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Taxes Are The Least Of Our Worries- Phew!

I can't help but feel kinda proud of where I'm from. And there are no suprises- I already knew the taxes were brutal. But apparently not as cancer-causing as I had once feared. And I'd rather be here than most states according to this chart... Except for maybe Idaho- and who ever thought I'd actually be saying THAT of all things? That Alaskan cruise I've been dreaming about? Too depressing! Take me to the great attraction that is Idaho.

Mo's Quotes

“Watch for your health and watch for my call.”

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Patton on Romney

People like to blame or credit social media with being the funnel for which certain (ah-hem) generations receive their news from. I, for one, always believe everything I read on the internets. Because if there is one thing you can bank on, it's that people are genuinely good and that only secure news sources have hacking abilities. My main source of news information has always been Saturday Night Live. And since some episodes can pass by without even a single genuine chuckle, it seems liegitimate to me to call it a news source of sorts.

Last night, Patton Oswalt was generously tweeting some updates on Mitt Romney's speech. Now, please don't embarrass yourself by asking me details on the speech, or really anything regarding this odd first named fellow's anything, because I will refrain from answering to spare your pride. HERE is Patton's Twitter Feed! (He and I are totally on a first name basis.) And here are some of his highlights...


"America is where if you are Christian or Muslim or anything at all there is opportunity and church. Jews also."

"America doesn't ask what. We question the answers that are there. There there. Bear."

"It will be dinner after. But now is before that and now America. The future."

"White children and black women and wheelchairs. Farmers. Everyone is allowed."

"The highways are flat and black. To drive on. Cars go."

"America. We are all alive here and living here."

Ah, to be old and insane...

Monday, April 2, 2012

Quote of the Day

Melissa: "How was your weekend?"

Me: "I've had lung disease, flu symptoms, lethargy, pain... It's been a weekend filled with joy."

Melissa: "So no fun?"

Me: "Does that sound like fun?"

:) I love how Melissa can see the bright side in everything! Where was she this weekend?