Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sentimentalistically Speaking

I used to love waking up in the middle of the night. That extra full bladder or jack hammering heard in a distance afforded me my greatest pleasure: To wake up and be allowed to go back to sleep. Obviously, I don't need to delve into my hatred for my many alarm clocks all working together to shatter my happiness. I bought them- you'd think they'd have some loyalty...

I am twenty eight years old today, and for the past many months. I said my age out loud at a free movie screening when one of the assistants was gathering information last week. I said, "Twenty eight," and as he turned on to the next victim, I giggled. It was a nervous laughter. Maybe I was waiting for him to look me over and laugh, asking me to show ID to prove to him I wasn't ten years older. Or maybe I was waiting for him to look up at me, wink through his acne with bravado that couldn't possibly exist within him for another ten years, and tell me I don't look a day over 21. Nothing happened. I laughed a little, Carrie thinking I was laughing at her as she said her age- one hilarious more than me- but I had no explanation.

What ages me is the not knowing. I relish the idea of white hairs and growing even more comfortable in my own skin. I have built my life for myself. It felt solid and sturdy the whole way through. I was creating a nest on top of a flat, low tree stump and I started piling all my lifelovehopefearsavingsmemoriessmiles on to it. Gravity aided and abeted my every move- because if life is grounded, the ground isn't a scary thing. And I have been coming to some conclusions, slowly and picking up speed, that while I have been so happy, and adding on to my nest, I have been building it on a precariously thin branch. The tree stump wasn't a stump, but a Redwood, and gravity is not my friend. We are, in fact, engaged in a staring contest as I speak. And if my eyes fills with water, I could lose it all. I should have felt the wind in my hair, being so high up. The sway in my step being so far out. But I mistook the breeze and the blur as security. And I need to figure out how to tether myself closer to the core.

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