Friday, March 23, 2012

MMM Phosphoric Acid

Day Four...

My hunger for diet cola is palpable. I find myself daydreaming of hearing a can snap open and the salty foam slowly seaping out. I can taste the caramel coloring coat and melt crackling ice cubes that scrape against my slowly staining teeth so I can quickly ingest what my brain is screaming for me to do. Today will be a testament to the logical argument that my self-control is lacking.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Quote of the Day

Carrie: "It makes me sad when other people are crazy and can't help it."

Me: "I know. I agree 100%. Thank g-d we are never crazy!"

Tristano Giuseppe

March is a birthday month for me! Not mine, per se, but one in which shopping is not optional. So far, we've had my great friend's, her nephew's, another friend's daugher, my grandfather, my brother, and a slew of other people that I am forgetting because I am THAT person.

This week, I was able to ring in Tristan's 12th birthday, and I can't help but experience the dichotomy that is him. On one hand, he is the same good hearted, sweet, fairly hyper, inquisitive, expressive, intelligent platinum blonde kid he was when he was two, and I believe born. On the other hand, he is TWELVE. Like, officially a pre-teen, questions directives, and is a hell of a lot smarter than most kids twice his age. With every blink of an eye, another birthday cake rolls out. This one was designed while he was at a movie, but he chose all ingredients. Carrot cake mix, Halloween Diabetes flavored orange colored icing, crystal sigar sprinkles, hard bone shaped candies covered in blood, and Oreo's special confetti icing filled cookies to ring in their 100th anniversary. Sound good? Then I may have not explained it well enough...

My birthday email to him:

I have decided to make you a birthday salad, birthday man!!!
I know you are picky about ingredients, so I wanted to be up front with you about it so we didn't have to beg you or argue with you later. It will be glorious!
The Birthday Boy Recipe! A salad fit for birthday kings....
You start with one pound of radicchio lettuce. you hard boil some eggs and wave them around the lettuce so the aroma of body odors permeates the sliced leaves. You flash fry cow brains, so they start to ooze but stay a cool mush in the middle. Chop finely and add to lettuce. Then, of course, you throw in 35 whole and raw garlic cloves, strips of ghost chili peppers raw, fish eyes if possible, and if not, canned sardines will suffice. And the dressing? A little bit of local ground dirt, for texture. Some Cool Whip, Miracle Whip, and the liquid from a jar of green olives purreed, sauteed and then fermented for a good week before mixing all together.
Sound good?

His reply: "Haha that is very funny."

And without further delay, here is what 12 looks like in dimples:

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Quote of the Day

Jordan: (Silence...) "Hey! Wanna hold my caluses?"

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Seltzzahhh Watuh

Day One of replacing my daily Diet Cola with a Seltzer. Lemon Lime isn't quite the artificial, caramelized color of cancer causing ingredients that I have rekindled my passion for over the past six months and have grown somewhat dependent on.

Did I mention that said Diet Cola is the only source of caffeine I indulge in? That makes a world of difference, doesn't it? I have left you before, and I will do it again. I will work on not dancing clumsily on the line of dehydration. I will likely go through some withdrawal, as I have in the past. I may lightly caress your fingers and suavely remove them from around a bottle of soda and lean in close to you. I may sip from your bottle hungrily. By the time you realize your bottle is lighter, I will be gone.

Fair warning.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Quote of the Day

Allow me to set the scene... One the eve of March the first, 2012, a handful of friends gather to celebrate my friend Carrie's birthday. In walks a friend, Tim M.

Charleen: "Tim, I didn't know you were coming!"

Tim M.: (shrugs) "Meh. It's not like I had anything better to do."

Laughter had by all.

Tim M.: "No, it's not like that! It came out wrong. What I meant was that nothing else was going on anyway. You know what I mean."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Mo's Quotes

“They want someone passionate and excited. What I mean is, the passion and excitement has to be there. I mean, you are so low key that you are not passionate and excited.”

That man could charm the pants off a.... uhhh... a deaf and naked homeless man who can't read lips?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Phone Frustrations

Mom: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi! How are you? Did you get the mail yet today?"

Mom: "What? I can't hear you at all. And no, I didn't get the mail yet today."

Me: "Ah, okay. Did you get a yellow and blue envelope addressed to me at all from this weekend?"

Mom: "Speak up or text me. I didn't get the mail yet today."

Me: "Okay fine."

Mom: "What is yellow and blue that you are getting?"

Me: "I thought you couldn't hear me."

Mom: "What? I can't hear you."

Me: "This is fun. I will call you later."

Mom: "What? You're not going to tell me what I will see later? How about I call you when I get the mail later? Just tell me what it is."

Me: "A surprise. I will call you later."

Mom: "Okay, call me later. I can't hear you."

Two things were going through my head. The first? My mother is under the impression that she is going deaf. And also, is ninety two years old. The second? She really misuses the term, 'I can't hear you.'

Monday, March 12, 2012

Happy 82nd

Plus one week. Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Last week, March 5th to be precise, Avraham turned Altar turned Anton turned Alton turned 82 years old. And for the time being, I will refrain from even dipping the quill into the ink when it comes to explaining what his 82 years have been comprised of. Instead, I would like to speak first about what makes his fingers twitch in excitement.

In no particular order, Alton lights up at the mere mention of the world Wendy's. He is an avid pen collector. Period. Not collector of collectible pens, but any pen in general. He will talk extensively on separating your average disposable pen to switch out his more expensive ink cartridges that I know for a fact have been sitting in a drawer for at least the past 25 years. His interest in dismantling items extends to watches as well. Wrist watches, to be specific. He will whistle softly as his eyes crinkle up if you hand him a watch with any weight. Never mind if it is a three thousand dollar watch or a thirty dollar one. He hoards any watch given to him with such pride, one can only feed into this manageable obsession, because, well, it is the cutest thing ON THIS EARTH. And if the watch was purchased for under ten dollars? Forget about it! The only way you are wiping that grin off his face is if you show him a picture of Whoopi Goldberg. (Sorry.) Another item of great interest? The wallet. I can explain this one the least. There is no style to go by, no material, and absolutely no need, but man, does he love opening a wallet and putting it aside for no reason at all. His last guilty pleasure? Aside from NCIS and napping on his recliner and his endless task of Word Searching- all things sugar free.

I believe I stumbled onto this particular passion of his when I was a sophomore in high school, working for a candy shop, and I was intriduced to a wider array of sugar free candies than I had seen before. Now, so so so many years later, the rest of the world has caught on to that need. Or the rest of the world needs it. Either way, I would make it a point to use some of each paycheck to bring him some new and exciting offering. Each piece of sugar free whatever was such a treat for both of us: him opening it, me watching him- it became a tradition. The best way to know if he really likes your snack? If he opens it up, says thank you with a reserved face and then sticks it on the floor by his feet so that nobody will ask him to taste it at all. And at his first chance, he tip toes over to the den, hides the candy in his bottom right hand drawer filled with other candies that he thinks we know nothing about, and then he sighs in relief.

Some people might see this as thinking small, or not taking in all that life has to offer. On one hand, the idea of being given the gift of life, and having the freedom from work to enjoy it, would you want every day to be the best as long as your are reclining with your Word Search? On the other hand, I would do and give everything I could and will have to see that man smile. So I really luck out that it's just a tiny portion of my paycheck that can do that. And for those times when I was missing a paycheck? You can elicit a similar grin if you yourself can grin and bear it- through an episode of NCIS. (Sorry. Sort of.) No matter the size of the world he chooses to live in, it's only his happiness that matters.

I should also refrain from saying that I thought he was a few years older. But really, Poppy, you don't look a day under 82.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "Did you hear that slap? It sounded like a ruler against a fresh baby's ass!"

Mom: "You're never supposed to know that noise."

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mo's Quotes

“I’m not going to say anything, not a word, I’m not going to jinx anything. But I will say that it is definitely going to happen.”

Morning Headache

I can't help but to think that if I am going to wake up with these headaches from eating well, sleeping well and doing absolutely nothing fun, then why bother? MAYBE one may consider having a few veggies for lunch and then 11 hours later, having a friend's leftover wonton soup not techinically eating well, and to them, I say, "I can't hear you." Last night was no party, but try telling my brain expanding into my skull that.

If only there were a way to know when my morning was going to be painful, my night would make it worthwhile...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "You know what? I think my fart is as smelly as you are ugly!"

Shady Dell

Classic 1950's Americana- who isn't drawn to it? Kitchy and unique and filled with surprises. From a design standpoint, nothing has ever been like it, and if anything will be in the future, it will be directly derived from this movement. I stop everything I am doing when a period piece streams across my TV screen. (Let's not focus on the fact that "stopping what I'm doing" usually just entails not clicking the up or down button any longer.) I love the Avocado Appliances and the fruit imprinted wallpaper, the checkerboard floors and all of the wonder that was The Wonder Years.

I found this article where the very fortunate Tom Rhodes was able to travel to Bisbee, Arizona and experienced an untouched vintage trailer park. I can't say I am normally jealous of such a find, but today, absolutely.

Also, I wanted to say that Ashna Rodjan, the photographer, is so incredible it made my point and shoot pointer finger quiver just a bit.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Mo's Quotes

“The yellow brick road runs through my office.”

Shifting Priorities

It's real. It's out of control. It comes with age.

I wish I could say two things to the former me. The person who had a thousand really important materialistic priorities and an astonishing amount of discretionary income to indulge in them. The first thing I would like to say is, "Put it down. Whatever it is, it will mean nothing to you shortly. Walk away fast, speed walking can only help." The second, "Where are you getting all of this money, and will you share it with me?!"

I can still see my twelve year old self walking to the town Beauty Supply Shop with my best friend, Lisa, where we would buy every shade of nail polish they had. I had drawers of it. I had a near death experience when I was doing my nails in my room which my mother forbid me from doing. Then I spilled acetone all down the from of my tall white lacquered wooden dresser and as the nail polish remover made my paranoid mother completely justified, my heart sank.

At 15, my bag obsession started. All gifts and potential gifts coming my way were of a singular mind: PURSES! And I can justify something like nobody's business! How many times a month can you wear the same shirt? I can wear a purse 28 to 31 days a month, respectively. When friends would get a cute $20 bag, I was getting oversized diaper bag from Nordstrom and had no money left for all of the excessive clothing everyone else had. But, hey. I could carry the shit out of other people's tee shirts.

At 17, I fell in love with the DVD. And we all know how that turned out. A small home in a quaint beach side community later, I lived happily every after. Or, I bought a thousand DVD's, watched a third of them, and ran out of space to store or display anything else in my life.

I envy those around me who have a few cute picture frames, a table they love, and a closet full of clothes they could pile into two suitcases if need be. I have a house filled with stuff, and I can wake up one day, I have woken up many a day, thinking, "This means nothing to me." So, the new couches come tomorrow. And for the first time in what feels like a miniature eternity, I am excited about a decoration or addition coming in to my house. It is somehow comforting to know that life is maybe more cyclical that dead ended. And that maybe I'm still the same person I always was, just with more dust collectors and a lot less dollars.