Frozen foods are so easy. And cancerous. And delicious. And life shortening. I try to keep fresh vegetables in my fridge. I like them more than anything. But they go bad so quickly. Most of the time, it's a bowl of cereal for me when I feel like flexing my creative cooking juices mid-week. And yes, every so often, I peruse the frozen foods aisle and scan for a good deal. Not a good deal on my health, but if I see a box of mozzarella sticks for $1.99, my resolve weakens. Besides, my rational is that only the first two will be texturally appetizing. Then the cheese gets hard and disgusting and I throw the rest out. Or, my favorite, I get a little preoccupied with some shiny object and all the cheese explodes out of the sticks. I will pick at some hot cheese for about a minute, and then wrap the tin foil up and say, "Sayonara!"
In my quest for a long, healthy, happy life, I have really been focusing on keeping only the appropriate and uber healthy foods in the freezer. Ice pops, frozen yogurt, some homemade soups that are growing icicle hair that I refuse to get rid of in case that hair creates some sort of beard that makes the face of Jesus in my freezer so I can go ahead and claim my thirteen seconds of fame on the second to last page of The National Enquirer. I bet my grandmother had no idea I would nurture and support her vegetable soup in hopes of creating Jesus Soup.
For those of you with an equal interest in freakish things in your freezer, but with perhaps substantially less time and patience than I am willing to commit to their progress, or maybe for those suffering from three year old palates, I present to you Buzzfeed's list of 15 awfully disturbing frozen foods: The List
I'll switch things up and build some momentum, starting from the bottom up.
#15. Stouffer's Welsh Rarebit. Because what's worse than eating rabbit? This.
#14. Microwaveable Pork Rinds. Because pork rinds don't sound unhealthy enough, let's have them soak up some micro-waves before ingesting.
#13. Mr. Brain's Pork Faggots. KID.YOU.NOT.
#12. Chili Spaghetti. Because it's going to look like poo on one end, let's just focus on continuity.
#11. Crispy Pancakes, filled with minced beef. Because saying empanada would have totally like uh ruined the whole pancake vibe, man.
#10. Soft baked Buns Mini Cheeseburgers. Because our teeth work hard enough on soft buns, we should insist everything else is pre-chewed for us!
#9. Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick. Because when your teeth fall out of your head due to a healthy mix of malnutrition and missing dental hygiene, these sticks can be broken into small pieces and shoved into your empty tooth sockets.
#8. Japon Frozen Sushi. Because nothing says "fresh raw food" like "freezer-burned old food."
#7. Chicken Breast Rings. Because if people are focusing on the fun shapes, maybe they won't be focusing in on what they're crunching, I mean chewing, on.
#6. Pizza Pops, Three Meat. Because, okay, I've got nothing; except a very real craving for Pizza Pops.
#5. Pizza and Chocolate Chip Cookies. Because we need to save Mother Earth, conserve on paper goods that are recyclable, saving lives is so much less hip these days. Duh.
#4. Breyer's Bubble Yum Ice Cream. Because after you think about this one for a moment, and start gagging in your mouth, you MAY think, "Hmmm, there's a slight chance that could taste an iota better than my own stomach acid."
#3. Pickle Pops. Because, uhhh, because... I got nothing.
#2. Eggo Real Fruit Pizza. Because nothing says Italian food like Belgian waffles, granola, strawberries and an aftertaste of Diabetes.
#1. Obama Fingers. Because how else should we honor and revere the President of the United States than to name some chicken fingers served with curry dipping sauce after him? Oh, I know!!! Fry them!