Tuesday, December 2, 2008

This, Too, Shall Pass


For as long as I can remember, falling on my face has always been my greatest fear. Or, I should say, my most constant fear. Every time I have stepped onto stairs, I have thought about how awful it would be to slip and fall and land face-first. Maybe this is because I am naturally accident prone. Maybe this is because I really do have a touch of OCD, as so many friends have joked for so many years. And instead of it manifesting itself as a need to wash my hands back and forth forth three times on even days only, it's chosen to rear it's ugly head many times a day, every day, for what seems like forever.

And it came true. I fell straight onto my face, knocking out most of my front tooth. Manifest destiny? Mayhaps. But regardless of the why, because I get exhausted thinking about WHY ME?!?!?!, I thought I would jot down the what now. 

Missing work: Embarassing
Emergency Root Canal: $1,100
Bonding and/or cap: Thousands
Severe pain and swelling: Priceless

I am struck by both how painful this entire ordeal has been, and continues to be. And also, by how strong I seem to be. My biggest fear has come true, I have shed no tears. I am on no pain killers. I am not curled up in a ball rocking myself to sleep the best I can in a straightjacket in a mental hospital where I willingly admitted myself so Nurse Ratchet could care for my remaining years. I have surprised myself.

What if, moving forward, I live my life without fear? Without possibly costing myself more appendages due to dwelling and obsessing?  I'm in between then and now. Kind of broken, kind of resigned to dull throbbing and an overall numbness. I am hopeful and intrigued by this possible future, no holds barred. And when this pain stops, I am trying it out for a spin. (Figuratively. There will be no driving of unstable wheel-y things by me. Ever.)

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