In All of Your Glory

I love the internet. The information highway. But I bet a lot of people sit in front of this magical window of opportunity and play it safe. We've got no time to waste, people!

Here is a guide to Write A Pathetic Personal Ad!

Step 1: Post a sassy glamour shot, preferrably from the late '80s.
Step 2: Drown yourself in a bewitching boa. It's hot.
Step 3: Recent photos? Why bother? Go back and cut and/or scratch out your ex.
Step 4: Keep us guessing. Choose blurry photos.
Step 5: Strike a pose.
Step 6: Choose from the following list of clichés. (These are amazing)

Step 7: Waste everyone's precious time with painfully obvious bullshit.
Step 8: After joining a dating service, make it clear you do not intend to date.
Step 9: Make sure to tell us you're thick in all the right places.
Step 10: If you have children, mention that you actually care about them.
Step 11: Remember, playing the victim is sexy. Let us know you're fresh out of a shitty relationship.
Step 12: Punctuation is completely optional.
Step 13: Ramble incoherently.
Step 14: Misspell your profession, so as not to arouse any suspicion that you remotely give a shit about what you do.
Step 15: Why go to the extreme hassle of spelling words such as "to", "you" and "one"? Substitute them with single letters and numbers.
Step 16: Please, please, please quote unoriginal poetry such as Robert Frost or Jewel.
Step 17: Cuddling is a highly specialized and sought-after skill. Weed out the incompetent fools by mentioning it at least four times.
Step 18: Nice guys unite! While you're waiting for your testicles to descend, whine incessantly about how girls walk all over you.
Step 19: Set yourself apart from those cafeteria Christians by informing us that your relationship with J.C. is in fact personal.
Step 20: Finally, do not under any circumstances double check your ad. Remember, we're going for spoteae~ui#ty.