Jersey Represent!

I remember hearing about a state where it is illegal to hold hands in public once you were married. Another state has a law against unmarried women walking barefoot in the street anywhere near a man. Yet another has a law against keeping ice cream in your back pocket. And I love learning about these states, and their antiquated laws for their simple folk. It is then that I overlook the Turnpike stench and bottleneck traffic to get home to an overpriced piece of "property." Thank goodness the great state of New Jersey steers clear of such laughable laws.

I was wrong. Here are some of New Jersey's "Laws":

#1 It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
(Of course, the man catches the fish, and the woman knits it a sweater?)

#2 You may not slurp your soup.
(In the land of blaring horns and middle fingers, it's hugely important to mind your manners.)

#3 If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

(Right. Because the state can better watch over you with their own random choosing of letters vs. your name.)

#4 It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

(So, next time one comes at me, I will leap from my car, arms out jazz-hand-style and grin awkwardly. That should go over well.)

#5 On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
(Duh, people! Under the bridge is for trolls and Anthony Kiedis shooting up!)

#6 Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
(It is not good to lie and cheat people on what could possibly be their holy day. Just the other six days of the week when G-d is sleeping.)

#7 You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
(Fist pumping is more important.)

#8 Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

(Riiiight. Because I am sure New Jersey drivers won't mind driving at 1 mile an hour as their car's get crapped on.)

#9 It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

(They better be clearly marked as such, or detaining they shall experience.)

In Bernards Township:
#10 It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone."

(Note: Zoloft use is at an all-time high in Bernards Township. High. Hehehe.)

In Caldwell:
#11 You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

(Streaking naked is a-okay, but don't you dare put shorts on! Are you dancing? There's no dancing in Caldwell!)

In Cranford:
#12 Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

(Boats are for that there water, mmmkay?)

In Cresskill:
#13 All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

(Why is this? Because they are killers. They are outside to give their owner's dander-free air for however long they can take it. I will help enforce this one, for sure.)

In Elizabeth:
#14 It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

(I have been in Elizabeth, and maybe they should enforce wearing clothes under the petticoat and not charging ten dollars an hour for doing such.)

In Manville:
#15 It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

(You go, you ville of man's! You keep your booze and smokes for yourselves.)

In Newark:
#16 It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
(Note to purveyors of illicit drugs, prostitution, and weapons: No doctor's note is needed.)

In Ocean City:
#17 Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

(Pinball machines are the devil's plaything!)

#18 Raw hamburger may not be sold.

(Hamburger meat? Fine. Hamburger? Jail!)

In Raritan:
#19 Profanity is prohibited.

(Remind me to NEVER go to Raritan!)

In Sea Isle City:
#20 There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

(Thankfully, I don't live there. Am I right?)

In Trenton:
#21 Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

(Because pickles look like......)

#22 You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

(Throw your garbage in the street, but please treat your bad pickles with the respect they deserve: full burial.)