Convo Of The Day

Jordan: "I'm not overly sensitive like......" Me: "Like who?!?" Jordan: "Someone with similar chromosomes to me..." Me: "An uncivilized gorilla?"

Quote of the Day

Carrie: "So I need to figure out how to change my ringtone on my phone...Would Big Pimpin' make me look easy?"

Conversation of the Day

Jordan: (On leaving work early) "I'm going to the all star game with joey! How sick?"

Me: "I would love to come. Thanks for the invite."

Jordan: "HAHA. Did they score the hoop yet? Hooray team!"

Me: "Oh, it is basketball?"

Jordan: "No. That's you during a baseball game. You don't even know which all star game is on."

Me: "I thought it was baseball which is why I said I would go."

Jordan: "The only tickets you should receive are for les miserables."

Me: "Do not eff with me son."

Jordan: "IT IS BASEBALL."

Me: "I would love to see les mis!"

Jordan: "I feel the vein in my neck pumping massive amounts of blood."  

Me: "I know it's baseball, silly monkey face."

Jordan: "And now it popped..."

Snapshot

Me. Bangs. These quarter or mid-life crises' are no joke! They make me clean compulsively, start cooking, and decide to cut off some hair in the front of my head. I have naturally curly hair. And I don't like being hot. And it is getting hot outside. Maybe the cleaning products are getting to my head.

Conversation of the Day

Me: "I need veggies or fruits...A is for apple. B is for banana. C is for carrot. D is for daikon. E is for.... eggplant!!! F is for ..."

Jordan: "Freeze this convo!"

Me: "Fennel. G- garlic. H- hot pepper. I.... There is no 'i'! I have stumped myself!!"

Jordan: "I put a pen through my eye because of this conversation. There's your 'i'."

Demon Claws

During my bathroom routine this morning, I grabbed my stick of deodorant out from behind the mirror, took the top off and applied it. Pretty routine, to say the least. I would like to say that I instantly felt the sting of deodorant in my new open slices of skin, but I cannot. I would like to also say that I was able to see four substantial red cuts across my armpit- one even extending closer to my chest as I stood in front of the mirror. but I cannot. No. The only way I was able to determine that I had been mauled by a wild puggle in my sleep was because I was so uncoordinated that I couldn't get the deodorant cap on in or or two tries without looking. So exasperatingly, I needed to look down to exact my precision between when my left hand was placing the cap and where my shaky right hand was holding the stick and it was then- AND ONLY THEN- that I saw bloody streaks all over the deodorant.

So maybe I did not wake up early on my own as I had previously thought. Because when I woke up this morning, my thoughts were, "Wow, maybe I just figured out how much sleep I actually need to be just right." When really, I should have been thinking, "My dog just mauled me."

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking about how long it's been since Marley's nails bave been taken care of. I can't count that high. You may be thinking that I should get rid of my dogs, at least you are if you are my father's mother and you just figured out how to use this world wide web, but I can't get lost in a world of what if's right now. What you should be thinking, what I am most definitely thinking is, "How, in an effort for Marley to climb her way up my body and into my soul this morning, did I not feel each of her claws retracting into my sensitive skin, pulling her up and drawing blood out?"

I clearly need more sleep. And photos not to follow. My mother always said to wear nice underwear un case you get into a car accident and then find yourself hospitalized....

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "Simba was walking too slow. So I told him to Mufasa."

Me: "Oh."
Jordan: "You have no soul."

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "What's up?"

Me: "Nothing the sky your face."

Jordan: "Now my blood pressure."

Snapshot

Can you tell which twin is more mellow?

Quote of the Day

Me: "Hi, angel."

Jordan: "You're lucky I didn't eat breakfast this morning. Otherwise, it would be all over my computer."

Me: "That wouldn't bother me in the least actually."

Self Restraint

A post may or may not be coming that depicts my less than favorable feelings toward the past two months that have been 2013. The past two months that have felt like 19 of them. 19 long months.

So for now, I thought I would lighten the mood. Write about things that make me happy today.

It's cold, but not so cold that it takes effort to push forward foot by foot. It's chilly, nippy, brisk, winter- like it is supposed to be since I pay New Jersey taxes, so I shouldn't suffer through Alaska winter. But really, it's nice. Even though it's raining and gloomy, I am so thankful that I left my gloves in the car and didn't lose a digit, I couldn't care about whatever else is going on.

The wind was raging last night, so much so that when I left my house this morning, all of our garbage cans had flown all over the street. Let me explain- "we" as in myself and my downstairs neighbors have an excessive amount of recycling cans. We have three and a half cans that we generally fill with plastic and aluminum and glass. We have two garbage cans dedicated to real trash, but it's inevitably moslty filled with wee-wee pads. (There are weeks we may cook or clean or demolish, but the only thing you can really depend on is pee and poop.) When I say they flew into the street, I don't mean that they tipped over and were resting on the lip between my driveway and the street. No. That would be too easy. It's 2013, remember? These cans were everywhere, except on our property. And their contents? Most of it wasn't even able to be seen by the naked human eye. Let's just say, if there was ever a time to pray Karma didn't pin this on me, now would be the time. People's lawns were covered, I am sure sewers were affected, perhaps a car or tire could be damaged.... So I stepped out of my front door this morning and purveyed it all. It sort of stunned me for a few minutes, and I was forced into action when I realized how wet I was getting. My plan was to march up my driveway, move my car to the street and then jump out and gatehr what I could. I wasn't thrilled but I could say I was resolved. And as I turned up my driveway, I saw my downstairs neighbor had been doing the same thing. Sweet, wonderful Miles then let me know he would handle the gathering so that I could leave for work.

Miles, who also has to get to work, waved me off. On this, the day after his birthday, and I felt the deepest sense of gratitude coarsing through my veins. It wasn't that he was helping with this task, or how he helps with most tasks. It isn't that when i compare him to my previous downstairs neighbor, his halo shines bright. It's that he genuinely wants to help. It's so nice to know someone so... nice.

And sauteed broccoli raab. And hummus. Thank you for a delicious lunch.

Snapshot

Summing it up. Mojo frantically looking for my attention. Marley on the hunt for edibles.

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "I'd devour a pumpkin pie right now. With some extra thick unfiltered milk straight from the teet. The kind where you could hold the glass upside down and yet the substance only drips down at a snails pace."

Quote of the Day

Jordan: "I wore a wool jacket today... It's gunna be 72 soon. I looked like an idiot with a jacket on."

Me: "I'm sure you didn't."

Jordan: "People were wearing shirts.I had a fur hat on and a scarf made of live sheep. Still think I looked appropriate? I was walking with those snow shoes with the holes in them, like flippers, but made of wicker. There were ice picks hanging from my safety harness which was tightly secured to my hip."

Me: "Well, I'm sure nobody was looking at you."

Jordan: "Alyson, I was being pulled by 6 siberian huskies tied to a sled. I was involuntarily whipping them because my years of training became my natural instinct."

Me: "It's New York City. People don't look around at others."

Jordan: "I HAD TO AMPUTATE MY LEFT FOOT DUE TO FROSTBITE! You still think people werent looking?"

A Couple Of Winter's Ago

These were taken on my .000002 mph walk past Bryant Park. There is something about all of the Manhattan odors ceasing to exist in sub-freezing weather that made even the strongest gusts of wind freezing my eyeballs and nipping at my extremeties feel like I was on vacation.

Quote of the Day

A: "Your fart last night was far and away the most horrendous gas passed in the history of both man and dinoaur kind."

J: "Oh get over it. And yourself for that matter. I've seen your morning breath decapitate creatures."

See Saw

I don't know if I should blame my mood swings on the incessant pressure changes, or my body's keen ability to recognize that this year with be the last one on this Earth? 12.12.12. for lyfe, yo! That would be quite the story, hmm? My body is finally adept at recognizing something and it is the finality of life as we know it.

I would apologize for the drifting, but that's what this whole extended brain release is right now. Drifting and waffling. Going from so determined to so resigned in a matter of minutes. Feeling resolve steel inside my blood and then melt away with a text message. Climbing up this pedestal I built, getting halfway to the top and realizing I overestimated the height. Or should I say halfway to the bottom?

Here's to hoping the cool weather that is slowly creeping its way around the perimeter of these early Fall days makes it's way to my core and chills me out. Or maybe rubs some dry leaves together and starts a fire. I don't care which direction it takes me at this point- I just so desperately want to stop ending up exactly where I started.

Quote of the Day

Me: "Hey hey, my little belly button."

Carrie: "Hello the chunks of my eyeball!"

Me: "DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH NASTIER YOU SOUND?!?!?!"  

Carrie: "It makes me giggle. Lots."

Heat Vs. Bites

So- It is O-F-F-I-C-I-A-L. Meaning not just to me, or in my opinion... it has been HOT, people!! Like, bring your deodorant stick out with you because an application an hour will do your neighbors good. I haven't worn pants on the weekend unless explicitly told to do so, either. If it weren't for long flowy maxi dresses, I think I would be a complete hermit. It's so hot that air conditioning is only working within two feet of the unit and I haven't even made an attempt to do my hair in three months. And here is the official CNN story, letting me know that I do not have an extremely long lasting fever:

CNN Says It's Hot Too

Now, I don't actually think there are words that I possess that could even come close to accurately sharing the pain that mosquito's have, and continue to, inflict on my every moment of every day. I have been getting eaten alive this summer. Everywhere. And I have done everything. I have gone through three different brands of bug sprays, I rub myself down with a Bounce dryer sheet and stick the left over sheet in my pocket, sandal, ponytail. I sit closest to citronella candles, then I try to sit farthest. I ignore the itch. I floriously give myself in to the fervent satisfying straching that offers the most temporary bliss. I have woken up scratching myself. I have woken up countless times just feeling that incredibly itchy. My feet have been covered, every inch of my legs, arms, back, shoulder, stomach, neck, face. I am waiting for my eyeball to get stung. Then I will take a picture and share it with you. But allow me to paint a picture...

Me. sleep deprived. Almost insane from months of relentless torture. Hair that cannot be tamed. Make-up slipping off of my face. Wearing one of five flowy dresses in succession of one another.

Is there a place where mosquito's don't live? And why do they live? What evolutionary purpose to the provide now? We can spread disease fairly well amongst out our species, than you very much.

Snapshot

My traitorous pup.