Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rant of the Day

Traffic By The Tunnel Rant

Another vehicle got stuck in the tunnel today. There is no way to anticipate this growing trend. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it.

At least that's what Dr. Phil-Oz tells me.

So today, instead of focusing on errant bus odors, or the bizarre conversations that the bus driver was having with himself, I decided to delve into the minds of these drivers getting stuck in the tunnel instead. Here's what I came up with:

"You know what? I am going to take my car for a ride today. I haven't driven it in 8 months, but it should be fine. As long as people stay 65 feet back from the shooting sparks in every direction. And this volatile shaking? It's like a spa treatment. And surely nobody will complain about my exhaust exploding holes into the ozone layer. I'm in New Jersey, land of the Aquanet already. So what I think me and this rickety old used-to-be an automobile should definitely, unquestionably do is drive straight into the Lincoln tunnel. You know, because it's so easily accessible and open for rescue trucks to get to. And I am going to take this voyage in theheart of rush hour, so that I can be surrounded by people bright and excited about starting off their work days. And in the off chance that my 'car' doesn't completely break down in the center of the tunnel causing delays, redirects and general panic for thousands of innocent commuters, I am going to drink 12 shots of tequila right before I hit the road. More possibilities open up with tequila. I could sideswipe a car, flip over a truck, cause mass bus evacuations, drive over some motorcycles. Really, I can't even get into how many ways I can ruin someone's morning. Lincoln Tunnel, here I come!"

(In case you are curious, crazy feels warm and a little cozy inside.)

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