Friday, May 15, 2009

My Heart Is Burning

I think the first time I had heartburn, I was about twelve years old. That's normal, right? Indigestion due to the stress of a long work day and forty five years or abusing my stomach lining. Oh, wait. Not at all. And when my mother finally deciphered my vague and confused and whining description of what was running through my esophagus, she handed me my first box of Tums. Oh, sweet and chalky savior. I loved the instant relief, and has her warning not come soon after, I might have been a strung out Ambien junkie screaming at a sixteen year old pharmacy technician at this very moment. As I was chewing my way into burn-free bliss, my mother taught me about kidney stones. And what causes them? Calcium deposits. And what are the precious Tums she handed to me? Calcium chews. And how much do kidney stones hurt? As much as passing a large child through your pee hole. Really? TRUST me.

And that was when the never-ending battle of my stomach lining and my upper throat began. Long story short: my esophagus is a push over and my throat is a loser. 

And why am I sharing this? Well, I thought through my impressive powers of deduction and obvious medical degree through the always reliable and wikipedia, I had narrowed down the source of my ailments: Processed wheat products. It makes sense. A plain bagel: agony!! Dry crackers? I'd rather jump! This week, damn chickens have clucked holes into my theory by either filling their eggs with processed wheat, or just proving that my excess acid has not been figured out yet. I always knew I was deep and mysterious...

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