Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Horizontal Life

Miss Chelsea Handler. How you made me giggle out loud many times in this book. If anything in this book is even 85% true, I applaud your honesty, bravery, and your doctor's antibiotics. Kidding. Kind of. If everything is a lie, I can breathe a sigh of relief and let you know that your imagination is both depraved and delightful.

I cannot say what compelled me to buy this book, or why, after so many months in a pile of other unread novels, did I make a bee-line for this one, pick it up and finish it in an airport, practically in the same spot I started it in. I can say that Chelsea makes one night stands sound even more hideous and mortifying and reaffirming of loneliness and dissatisfaction than anything else I have ever read.

I can also say that when I lent this book to my best friend, I was expecting a lighthearted comment in her review. Or nothing. What I was most definitely not expecting was a story about how her fiancee didn't "appreciate my giving her that kind of stuff." He apparently has been asking her if there was something I was trying to say to her.

Something to say? Like, you should have on night stands and here is a book that will teach you how? If he spent five minutes with one of the short stories, I would think he would be calling me to thank me. I imagine the call would go something like this:

"Thank you for giving my girl many, many more reasons to stay with me. I owe you and Chelsea Handler a sincere thanks for making this happen."

Maybe he thinks that a novel can really shape someone's mind set. Could you imagine?! Just in looking back to recent books... After The Hunger Games, I find myself near a group of 30 people and just start fighting for my life? After 50 Shades of Gray, find a near perfect megalomaniac with uncommon sexual predilictions and an unlimited amount of money and then... maybe I don't need to worry about that scenario as much.

And now? I can't help but want to succumb to this urge I have to buy her more books. Old ones, that he would appreciate. I have to see if such books exist on the internets. I am thinking, "How To Iron My Husband's Socks While I Wait For Him To Come Home And Read This Book To Me." Or, "Words Are Dangerous, So This Book Is Only Filled With Pictures Of Food That My Husband Would Like Me To Prepare For Him."

I will refrain from further comment. It doesn't get prettier from here.

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