Thursday, February 17, 2011

Snowpacolypse 2011

For those of you in Georgia... No. For those of you in New Mexico... No. Las Vegas? Hmmm...

For those of you in the very southern tip of Texas, living without any modern technology or access to national news information, we've had some snow. And not just some. Mounds and feet and inches and drifts and piles and puddles and mountains and heaps in New Jersey. And let's not forget ice storms! I didn't really know what an ice storm could do until I saw it in action on top of multiple feet of snow. Now I can say, "Yes. Yes, I do know what ice on top of snow does. It seals in the dirt and ensures that even the 'safe, crunchy steps' that you depended on utilizing when you thought the regular ground was too slippery will be, indeed, too slippery." I particularly like how all of the gray dirt and grime and debris particles get trapped inside the layer of snow and ice and act as a constant reminder of death.

And I've always been a fan of snow. Until I met it's evil twin: Snow in the City. A direct quote from my father: "What? The city is beautiful when it snows, at least at first." Sure. just like diseased cells are beautiful. They are complex and discerning and challenging. They cause discussions and create jobs. But really, who wants them?

In New York City, when snow falls, horns start. And that's as good as it's going to get. Can you imagine the filth that kicks up from everywhere? There are individuals in Port Authority that I believe, with a good spritz from a hydrant, could contaminate half a city block with, hmmm, diseased cells. And snow doesn't actually exist in Manhattan. In the outer boroughs, the affordable areas where tax dollars leave but never come back, it snows and stays there for months. But in the city, foot traffic and the heat rising from underground trains turns what should be something amazing like fluffy snowflakes into 4 foot wide puddles of gray, hazardous slush. This radioactive sludge gets kicked up all of your pants as people slip and slide on their way to work. If everyone just slowed down a little, I could get to work clean! Or speed up a little, and I could use your backs as stepping stones.

But I don't want to make it seem like I haven't appreciated this weather. Aside from ravaging my bus schedule and trapping my car both on and off of my driveway, it has provided wonder and amazement. Like the women I see in mini-skirts with no stocking and stiletto heels. That is unreal! And the minimum of four people a week that I would see with flips flops on. Flat completely open sandals? Forget about frostbite, do you want radioactive slush encasing your toes? (I think those people turn into those said individuals in Port Authority I mentioned earlier.)

It's warmer now. At least for long enough for my immune system to acclimate and let it's guard down. Snow is the clear victor this season. It's been a real Winter. Global warming? So you say...

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